To Move

I cannot hold what I feel inside. Days have past and all I feel inside is a sadness. Tears, delaying they are to come forth. There is a whirlwind of emotions surrounding, each of them follow the struggles around me. There is a battle, but what it has not, is caused me to surrender in defeat. I am your daughter; a warrior I am. I have pushed through the current. I have clung to You through it all. I cast my cares on You, because You have always cared for me. This I know to be true. I need You. I have the hope that even better days are ahead of me. This storm is only temporary, for the sun shinning, is still to come. I know it’s true; I have seen many. You alone are the rest for my weary soul.

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The Oppression

I know I am not the only one going through some kind of struggle. The past few weeks have been so hard! It has felt like a fog of emotions, tiredness and the wanting to just escape to my “hiding place.” That place where I would shrink back to when things would get hard. I would isolate myself and just hide whatever it was that I was feeling at the time. It was my way of not allowing anybody in or allow them to see what I felt.

I can’t this time and I am able to see a growth, a maturity that was not there before. I am proud of myself for it.

So many things have been happening and things I have been dealing with have been so overwhelming. In the midst of the pressure and oppression I have been seeking more of God. I have been running to Him rather than to that place of escape, the place of isolation…that place where I just want to give up. It has made me stronger and taught me how to truly cast my cares; worries, struggles (things I have absolutely no control over) on Him.

This has truly allowed to see a different side of myself. It has shown me that I no longer bottle up offenses or take up burdens that are not meant for me to carry. Other people’s problems no longer become my own and I no longer have that need to try to fix them either. It’s definitely a liberating feeling.

It’s maturity. 

 

Courage

  1. the ability to do something that frightens one.
    • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     

There is something about this definitoin that brings a sense of strength when I read it. It tells me that no matter how we feel, it doesn’t have to keep us from rising up from the pit or from pushing through the oppression we face.

…Strength in the face of pain or grief

I believe that I am going through the final stages of the grieving process. I did something today that I have been avoiding since the beginning of August. Today I was reminded of it, again. I was reminded during today’s preaching. It was about how we tend to close certain areas of our heart from God (Holy Spirit) because it’s hard to relive those things or let them go. Thoughts came to my mind of what I needed to do and immediately I tried to shut them away, like I have been. I knew better. I knew that God wanted me to confront this in order to begin the rest of my healing and restoration process  in my life so I can finally move on.

 

I got home…

I stood at my closet with an empty bag and a shirt in my hand and I began to cry out to God. I told Him, “I need You hear with me!” I was having a hard time. It was like, “if you want me to do this then I need You here with me. I am not going to do this alone.” Then I placed the folded shirt in the bag and began pulling the rest of my husbands clothes off the hangers.

It’s time for me to let go.

During that whole time I felt peace. I needed the courage to finally do it even though thoughts would bring that fear and sense of loneliness in. God, my father showed up in that moment because I had the courage to finally get up and do what He knew would be hard for me. He reminded me that in the midst of the hardest, toughest and scariest moments, He will always be there. We don’t have go through or do things alone.

That’s all I have been doing lately. Things that I always desired to do, He has opened doors for me to do. It has been scary and there have been times where I wanted to just hide and avoid people seeing me, but I can’t. God has finally taken me out of the “cave” and is now placing me in a place where I cannot avoid those things that used to bring fear.

I am being courageous in the midst of the grief. I am being courageous though I feel fear. I am being courageous even though I still feel alone. I am being courageous because I know Who goes before me and Who has always been by my side.

 

No More “Relationships”  –I am waiting for the “ONE.” 

It’s a promise I made to God. It’s also the reason why I still wear my engagement ring. It’s now become a promise ring. It’s promise to God and myself that I will no longer be in random relationships. It’s a promise of purity during this season of singleness.

I truly believe that God has another man for me. So the steps I am taking now, I believe are necessary. I have been asking God to prepare me and do what needs to be done in my life, so that I can be ready for him (my future husband.) I want to be healed and fully restored so that when the time comes for a new relationship from Him, I will have nothing from the past to carry into my relationship/marriage.

It will be a fresh start. It will be one truly founded on Him. It will truly be a blessing.

God has been doing so many things in me, my body, that have been so exciting and all in preparation for what’s to come.

I am excited.

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The promise I cling to.

 

 

As I was standing there, placing in the bag one piece of clothing at a time, I sensed God standing there with me. It was an encounter I truly needed, with my Father. 

 

While I Wait

While I wait, I trust in You. You see all things and know my anxious heart. There is so much I long to do, yet I feel like my feet cannot move. When did my desires outweigh the want to be there where You have placed me? When did I become so eager to get up and walk out? While I wait, I ask for Your guidance. While I wait, humble my heart and let no pride overtake me. While I wait, change my attitude to accept my current place. Help me to love those around me and give me the patience to wait for Your leading.

Is It Time For Something New?

Happy Monday, loves! I wanted to share something that has been on my heart for quite some time now. It’s been something that I have not been able to shake and have only kept to myself until, now. I just want to open up and be transparent, for I know that others are struggling with the same thing. It’s regarding your place and how you can start feeling as though it’s time for something new, but waiting on God to confirm and move you first.-Stephanie

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Ever felt like you no longer belong where you’re at? Like the time has come for you to move on to something better? I am currently in that season, but I have been praying for guidance regarding that.

There is so much I desire to do, but I feel where I am at, is not the place for that to happen. I have been feeling like this for some time. It hurts to feel this. Maybe it’s guilt. Maybe it’s God leading us to something better. I am still unsure. The last thing I want it to be is, emotion. 

Yesterday, service was good. It felt so good to finally be there after missing a couple weeks, due to my husbands knees. I felt connected. I felt so much joy to be able to praise and worship God in His house. But the last few times, I have left service feeling the same thing.

There was this one time, during worship where I heard these words; “Not here.” (It was in regards to me wanting to do so much more than what I am currently doing. It was regarding my deep desire to share my story and help other women.)  To this day, I am still asking God to reveal to me what that meant. I am asking for clarity and revelation, because the last thing I want is to make a move, without Him.

When something is meant to happen, God opens doors and shuts those doors that no longer pertain to you. The key is to wait patiently for Him to lead. Something out of order and out of it’s right time will only fall apart.-Stephanie

It’s liberating to finally let this out. It’s liberating finally learning how not to hold back. Yesterday, I wrote something to God. I wrote my deepest desire and how I want Him to prepare me for it. It was a bold request. Those are the kind of prayers He likes.

While I Wait

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We all know that there are times when we must make changes for our lives. It can be switching jobs, moving to a new city/state… etc. But while waiting we are still expected to do our best where we are for the time being.

God has us there for a reason, but we believe that there will be a time when He will ask us to go. I want to do more. I desire to do more and I don’t see myself doing it there. ((Of course, I can be so wrong, that’s why I continue to ask God for wisdom.)) For the mean time, I need to continue to seek God; allowing Him to change me.

It’s no coincidence that during this season with my husbands health, things have been changing. We have seen who is really there and who isn’t. But it doesn’t surprise me, this time. I have been accepting such things as God shifting things around and protecting us. It has taught us both to rely solely on Him and each other. It has broken us free from the dependency on people.

I used to see that as there was something wrong with me, that people were being removed from my life. I used to wonder what was so wrong with me that they no longer want to be around me.

I have understood there are seasons in which people are there and aren’t.  

Moving Before It’s Time

I was just reminded of a story in the bible where a family packed up and left due to the famine in their land. They weren’t seeing what they needed, so they got up and left, thinking it was the right thing to do. They left the place God had them, for something they were lacking. God didn’t send them. God didn’t instruct them to move. In doing so, life turned upside down and the men in the family died. Things went horribly wrong for them, because they left without God’s guidance. -Ruth 1

What “famine” are you currently facing in your life? What are you currently lacking in your life, that you think you will find in a new job or in a new city? I ask myself that same question. I guess my answer would be: fulfillment. The feeling and assurance that I am doing what God has called me to do and no longer sitting on the, “sidelines.” I don’t like that feeling at all.

I am like that player who is eager to play; the one who cannot just sit still and watch things happen; or like that student who has the right answer, but is never called on. That’s how I feel, where I am at. I am being honest.-Stephanie

I am not perfect, of course I still have a lot to learn… but no one is perfect. I just keep waiting for my time and for the right place, to be set free.

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Wait patiently for the Lord.
Be brave and courageous. 
Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. -Psalm 27:14

My Vulnerability

It hurts. I get angry. I grow impatient. There are times I wish I could just do what I feel, but I know first hand that things don’t go well when I do. Patience has never been my strong quality. It’s always being tested and there are times I really do fall short.

But it’s in giving God full control of my life, that I have been able to see blessings and things fall into place without me doing a thing.

I see a lot of things. I don’t agree with a few things. My job isn’t to criticize, judge, or rebel; it’s simply to pray. That is still my home. That is still the place where I am being strengthened and molded.

You want to be blessed in all you do? Remain humble and submissive, where you’re at. Continue to do your best, even when you don’t agree with how things are going or with the people. Being led my Him, rather than emotions, keeps you under his covering of protection and blessings. Never move from where you are because of what you lack, see or feel. Let it be Him who directs your steps.-Stephanie

Truth

You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

-Proverbs 21:19

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We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

-Proverbs 16:9

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Commit your actions to the Lord, and your plans will succeed.

-Proverbs 16:3

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. 

Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.

-Proverbs 3:5-6

 

Final Thoughts

When I write, my mind is at ease. There have been times when God reveals to me many things as I type. A few of my questions have been answered through my blog posts. I think that is amazing. In this case, I am still waiting for God to reveal to me His plan for me and my marriage; what He wants us to do and where He wants us to go, if He does.

While I wait, I want to remain humble. While I wait, I want to remain full of love for my neighbors. While I wait, I want to become a better version of myself and be molded into who I need to be. While I wait, I want to be prepared for what’s to come. While I wait…-Stephanie