Wanted

This blog post was written back in April. I have finally felt led to share it, as my new "perspective" on my journey fits in. I have come a long way since this post and I am truly thankful to God. My experiences have led me to truly wait on God and his timing for everything, especially when it comes to Him brining the right person and people in my life. It was said, "God sees the heart of the people. When we wait on God, we are set up for success."- Marcela Page 
She was referring to relationships founded on God. That word was for me. -Stephanie

The Truth

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what to say… for the first time I feel a block, as if something within me doesn’t want me to share what has been happening in my life. Loss. I seem to be familiar with this lately. I have cried out to God and asked Him why He has allowed me to go through so much loss and different types at that. I don’t understand.

I have been an emotional mess, trying to go in every direction; away from God. It’s left me broken.

Abandoned

I have been feeling this for awhile now. I have cried for my husband and even wondered why he would want to leave me. Anger arose within me and I just lashed out at him as if he could hear me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to come back to me.

That’s something I haven’t felt until recently. These past few months I realized just how much my husband loved me, cherished me and appreciated me and it only made me miss him even more. It made me wish he was still here, so that I could appreciate him that much more.

Every loss I have experienced in my life has left me feeling abandoned or unwanted. Why? Because I have always placed my dependency on them. I made them my source of happiness, comfort and companionship and when they were gone, it always left me wandering: “What am I going to do now?”

Being abandoned, pushed to the side or enduring a type of loss does not mean you’re unwanted or not good enough.

Lies

The feeling of not being good enough can shrink you so low. I know this, well. Since my husband passed away I have been struggling with my identity; who I am without him. I was the one he cherished, encouraged and reminded who they were, constantly. He was my affirmation…

August 29, 2019

…Being without him made me feel lost, because when he was still here I knew where we were heading and I knew my place. After he left, I wasn’t so sure anymore… until the past couple months when I left the place that was “familiar.”

I am seeing God move in my life in so many ways, ways that I was beginning to think would not happen anymore. I had to step out in faith and allow Him to lead me to, “the land that He would show me.” I didn’t know what the outcome would be. I didn’t have all the details. I just knew it was time to go, and I went. 

 

A New Perspective

Referring back to the beginning of this blog; feeling abandoned, feeling not wanted… the enemy painted a picture in my head that had me depressed for awhile. I was beginning to believe that I was abandoned by my husband. That he wanted to leave me, that he chose to leave me alone. I felt not good enough, all over again. I was beginning wonder what was so wrong about me that I continued to lose people.

How wrong and twisted my thinking had been.

I Feel To Share This:

I know so many others feel this way. Especially those who have lost loved ones due to suicide. (Though I don’t know what that feels like, I wanted to tell you… it wasn’t your fault. You are wanted. You are loved. You are someone that others want to be around.)

As someone who suffered with suicidal thoughts, it was more about how low, unworthy, not good enough I felt, than it was to hurt those who cared about me. It was about how I no longer wanted to feel the way I did. 

God knows who needed to read that. He loves you!

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Things have been happening around me that has allowed me to see something new. I once heard a pastor say that it’s easier to lose (to death) a spouse than it is to be separated from them and constantly seeing them. When my husband passed away it wasn’t his choice. I know that he didn’t want to leave me; as he said it right before the stroke happened. Believing that has been making the healing process that much easier, though it hurts and I still have my moments. (I find myself right here, this week.) 

I have been a witness and have experienced being on the other side of the disrespect and someone choosing to hurt me, push me to the side and abandon me at my lowest. I believe things like that hurt so much more because they choose to do it and because it was in their minds; hearts to do such things.

Healing is coming to my heart because I am understanding that my husband didn’t have a choice to leave me. It was God’s will for it to happen the way it did. We had no choice. 

Knowing this truth, is brining comfort while removing the doubt, anger and the “whys.” I am beginning to move on and slowly feeling less and less guilty for it. It was not my choice, either. It was something that had to be done, though.

Knowing this truth is allowing me to accept God’s love. It’s helping me believe that I am good enough and that I am wanted. It’s allowing me to believe that His goodness for my life is true and that in due time I will see His promises finally unfold.

I no longer wonder, “why?!”

I no longer look at where I was and say, “I can’t believe…”

I no longer look at myself through eyes of widowhood, but of a single woman who has been blessed with a brand new start. 

I will be enjoying this journey and wait for God’s timing for a new a blessed relationship… I am worthy of every good thing. 

Unveiled

I trust in you. When the storms are raging around me, You keep me in perfect peace. In Your presence I find rest, I am secure. My hope not shaken, my mind is at ease. I can finally breathe.

I sit here on the verge of tears. My heart hurts for all those who are dealing with this, for the people who feel as though there is no way out. I have been there, I know what it's like. My hearts deepest desire is to reach out and tell you there is hope. To tell you that there is a way out of the darkness. To scream to you that YOUR LIFE MATTERS!! To have you believe that you are loved.-Stephanie

I Can Finally Breathe

Anxiety has come and gone, recently. Laying in bed and feeling as though I am about to pass out…that, I am not unfamiliar with. Lately I have see so many people share their experiences with depression, anxiety and so on.. it’s real. It torments so many people. That was me a few days ago. My body was shaking, I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to pass out.

Things have been happening, things out of my control. I can honestly say I have been stressed and so overwhelmed… feeling so hopeless; feeling alone. My husbands health has been at a stand still, with other things happening. If you were to take a look at this situation from the outside, you would probably be thinking, “why do things like that happen to him?”

*Lauging.* I laugh because we too, have asked God that question. We have gone so low as to doubt him…(the reason for my anxiety and depression.)

Freedom Has Came

We all know that pressure builds up when things are left untouched and kept shoved inside. That was me. My mind had so many things in it.. so many worries and frustrations. In all honesty, I didn’t take much to set me off.

Of course, one foul word from my husband and I exploded. Laying in bed I let out silent screams as tears rolled down my face and I went as far as to dig my nails into my face and arms. That’s how angry I was.

I was so broken. I was so depressed. I was almost reverting to my old ways… self harming. I have spoken about my cutting. That temptation was trying to come back. I finally realized why I started cutting in the first place. (When I was in 8th grade.)

“God had showed me that it was my “false reality.” Cutting had become my way of escaping the harsh reality I faced everyday. God also showed me that cutting myself was a way of taking the control away from people. What I mean is this; it took the power away from people to hurt me. I controlled the pain and how much I wanted endure.”-Stephanie

If you really pay attention to those kinds of things, we can clearly see how demonic it is. It’s torment. It’s bondage. It’s a dark place.

I have finally understood why people feel the need to do such things.. and so sad to say, end up taking their life. It’s a false “escape.” It’s a lie that tells them that there is no other way out of it.

God is the way out. He is the freedom of bondage. He is life. 

Reverting

If I am being totally honest, things in my marriage and with my husband have not been ideal. I have struggled so much with everything going on. I have broken down so many times and felt depressed. Feeling hopelessness has been the worst! It was because of that that led me to revert to self harm.

I remember sitting here at the table, a few days ago and putting a small blade to my arm. Though it was a tiny cut, it was enough to snap me out of it. It was enough for me to see how low I allowed the enemy to take me.

I was wanting to revert to my old ways, taking the control into my own hands. I was trying to escape the reality in front of me. I was trying to take the control back… I was going about it all wrong. 

That same night I broke down, I released the pressures, the pain and frustration. I was set free. While laying in bed, screaming silently I felt something I hadn’t felt before. Angrily tossing and turning in bed I felt like I was being set free from something. (I was.) I mean as I was letting out those silent screams I felt as though things were being removed from me…

What People Don’t Say

Mental illness; depression, self-harm, anxiety, etc. are demons. 

They torment the mind causing people to do exactly what they feel inside. They hate themselves, so they are told to change their bodies. They are tired of feeling hurt so their mind tells them to harm themselves… it’s a sick a twisted game the devil plays with people who are vulnerable like this. ((I WAS ONE OF THEM!))

My recent experience with self-harm and depression and how I felt I was being set free from evil spirits; it reminded me of this story.

Jesus Restores A Demon-Possessed Man-Mark 5 

Click the link to read the full passage, but I want to focus on something.

“They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him.  This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain.  For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him.  Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.” -Mark 5: 1-5

Whether you want to believe it or not, there is a spiritual realm. There are angels and there are demons.

In that passage we can clearly see a man being tormented by evil spirits. Self-harm and mental illness isn’t something new. It’s been around for generations; centuries! The only way to really be free from it is by knowing the truth and opening up your heart to it.

Later in that passage we see that Jesus demanded that those spirits tormenting the man to come out. Reading it closely it shows us how that man had been in bondage for a long time. It also shows that no one could bind those spirits and no one was able to set him free, until Jesus came.

Jesus has the power to set every captive free. He has the power to restore someone’s life and give them hope, again. He has the power to save someone on the brink of suicide; death. 

Image result for suicide isn't the answer You matter. Your life matters. Your struggles matter. Your life can make a difference. 

“You’re not the only one going through things like this. I am nowhere near perfect. I am human and sometimes allow things to bother me so much. I have determined myself to trust God with every problem in my life and marriage. I realized that falling into the lies of the enemy, that’s what he wants. For his job is to kill, steal and destroy, but God says that He has come to give life and life in abundance.-John 10:10 I choose to believe that, that things will get better than to remain in that darkness.”-Stephanie

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Reference Verses

Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.- John 10:9-10

For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16

Salvation is for everyone. 

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by openly declaring your faith that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved.-Romans 10:9-11

For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”-Romans 10:13

God’s Love For You

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death no life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.-Romans 8:38

Nothing you do or will ever do will stop God from loving you and wanting a better life for you. He is merciful and always quick to reach out to those who are drowning in life’s problems and lift them up.

He loves you. You are loved. You are definitely loveable. 

 

It’s Been Days

There are still days I need reminders that I am not alone. There are days where I still find myself struggling to see things through faith, but I determine myself. I have seen God move in many ways, before. He never changes and is always the same. It’s been days and I have been doing so well. I have become stronger and I am no longer allowing things to affect me like before.

I was really set free. Someone who is set free, is free indeed.

“So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.”-John 8:36

 

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS GOING THROUGH DEPRESSION PLEASE DON’T KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. REACH OUT AND GET HELP.

 

Clayton Jennings- Please Don’t Kill Yourself

 

In The Photo

The woman in the Featured Image is me. It was taken during the time I felt depressed and hopeless. Incorporated was a curtain, symbolizing a veil. That’s what mental illness is. It’s a veil placed over our minds and eyes and keeps us from seeing the truth.

Shortly after this picture was taken, that’s exactly what happened to me. The veil was torn. I had planned on using that photo for some poem, but God had different plans.