Up, Again

I look at myself, “who is this I now see?”  Tears fall from my eyes and I can’t help but weep. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten Whos I am… I have felt drained. There have been days when all I could do was cry out for You to carry me. My legs below me, weak as they could be. I am tired…

Photographs

Pictures say more than words can say; “A thousand words,” to be exact.

I have this habit of looking through old photos on my phone. Every time I do I see something different in myself. There is sadness some days and the next there is a completely different person.

Lately I have not felt confident, nor like myself. My body has endured something traumatic all over again (I will share when it’s time) and today I couldn’t help but cry. I realized I was becoming so impatient with myself. I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE!, I felt like yelling out.

I don’t feel attractive. 

I feel bloated.

I am just so emotional.

I feel so angry.

I read those words above and I know it’s no longer me… I was in a place in my life when things were good. I was happy. I was secure in my own skin, but now, I just want to curl up and isolate. (It all ties in with what has happened…)

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A person can look so happy and all put together on the outside, but deep down they are crying out for help because all they feel is inadequate and so unworthy…

…this was me.

I had lost sight of who I am in Him.

I Worry TOO Much

When did this happen? When I took my eyes off of God and placed them on my circumstance, I made myself my own keeper, thinking I knew what was best for my own life. Things have happened and I can clearly see how WRONG I was.

I have stretched myself thin. I have taken on so many other responsibilities and roles that I was clearly not meant to. I worry that I won’t have the courage to do what needs to be done. I worry that I am losing my fire. I worry that my passion for writing becomes stagnant. Worst of all, I worry that my passion for Him becomes lost.

What I Deserve

It’s so hard to feel deserving of all good things after you’ve have done so many bad things. It’s hard to believe that the Father continues to see you as valuable and so worthy of His love when you have slowly wandered away from Him.

What I feel is not what is true.

The more I mess up and more mistakes I make, I always find myself coming back to Him needing assurance that He still loves me. I am thankful that His love is unconditional. To know that someone will never stop loving me regardless of how I am or what I do, brings so much comfort and lets me know I will never be alone. 

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The Lie

That says you are unlovable…

When we make so many mistakes and let people we care about down, we sometimes get it in our heads that we are no longer worthy of forgiveness or love. Though people may make us feel like this, God never will. That has always been His promise to everyone; to me.

“I may be weak, but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God You never will.”- Psalm 73.26

I have struggled so much with this that it has kept me from services and people who care about me. It has caused me to want to isolate myself and just hide with shame and fear. Things this time have been so much harder that I had to really remind myself who God is and who He is not.

The Father loves me. The Father wants me. The Father sees me. The Father is faithful. The Father is merciful. The Father is always there.

 

Up, Again

Little by little I am picking myself up. I am being strengthened each day to push forward and work towards being where I need to be. I am reconnecting with Him and my loved ones. I have been through a lot to know that I cannot do it alone. I don’t even want to try…

I know this journey will be a struggle, but nothing is impossible.

I want to be able to look at myself and feel this joy all over again. I want to be able to see who God sees and not who I feel.

I will overcome. ❤

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Changes

The days have come and they have gone. The one thing that has remained has been Your love for me. Through the ups and through the downs, You never left my side. I have cried and I have laughed, but in those hidden struggles in between, You carried me into things yet unseen. You loved me then, how much more now. You have seen my heart and have heard those silent cries; my heart’s desire is just about to arrive. I thank You now as much as I have then. For I know good things are no longer delayed. Here is to something new as I let go of the old.

Something New

There is something new coming next year. Something new in my personal life. Something new in my walk with God. Something new in all aspects of my life. I reflect on the days still left and I am so amazed on how fast this year has gone. I remember how this year started and how the months went by. From brokenness to healing, all I can say is: “No one, but God.”  

I shared something on Instagram today. Something that I had been feeling for awhile, especially this entire month. This Christmas seemed to be more emotional for me than last year. This year a lot was different. I did not hang up my husband’s stocking… as I felt it was time to let it go and start new. I am letting him go. That was not the only thing that was different this year…

This Christmas started off emotional, but ended blessed.

Guilt set in as I was preparing to spend it with new people in my life. This time my husband’s stocking wasn’t put out. I didn’t know how to feel about that, but I definitely felt his absence again. It was as if reality sank in all over again. 

I am beginning to move on with my life and at times it still stings. I take a pause and ask myself, “is this OK?!” I had found myself talking to Freddy and asking him if this or that was OK. As if I still needed his reassurance. At times it feels like I still do… but I am making progress. 

🌸What I experienced yesterday was worth more than anything materialistic. Days like yesterday are what matter to me most. It was the greatest gift of “time” spent. Memories were created; things that I will cherish.

I got to spend Christmas day with two special people in my life. I was actually there truly enjoying the moment and thinking how, “this is what I want.” It was special to me. I finally felt a part of their, “world.” It is honestly something that I will cherish.

Take His Place

I know the time is coming when that place in my life will be filled. Things have been moving forward and I am just leaving it all in God’s hands. I trust His guidance and plans for my life. All the little things I am doing, the letting go are making way for the new to come and fall into place.

It’s emotional of course, but I know good things are coming.

 


 

I loved him then, I love him now, but soon that love will be transferred completely to the one in my life, giving him is place. 

 


 

Until then I will continue to walk by faith and continue to see further ahead.

The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.

Isaiah 58:11

 

To Move

I cannot hold what I feel inside. Days have past and all I feel inside is a sadness. Tears, delaying they are to come forth. There is a whirlwind of emotions surrounding, each of them follow the struggles around me. There is a battle, but what it has not, is caused me to surrender in defeat. I am your daughter; a warrior I am. I have pushed through the current. I have clung to You through it all. I cast my cares on You, because You have always cared for me. This I know to be true. I need You. I have the hope that even better days are ahead of me. This storm is only temporary, for the sun shinning, is still to come. I know it’s true; I have seen many. You alone are the rest for my weary soul.

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The Oppression

I know I am not the only one going through some kind of struggle. The past few weeks have been so hard! It has felt like a fog of emotions, tiredness and the wanting to just escape to my “hiding place.” That place where I would shrink back to when things would get hard. I would isolate myself and just hide whatever it was that I was feeling at the time. It was my way of not allowing anybody in or allow them to see what I felt.

I can’t this time and I am able to see a growth, a maturity that was not there before. I am proud of myself for it.

So many things have been happening and things I have been dealing with have been so overwhelming. In the midst of the pressure and oppression I have been seeking more of God. I have been running to Him rather than to that place of escape, the place of isolation…that place where I just want to give up. It has made me stronger and taught me how to truly cast my cares; worries, struggles (things I have absolutely no control over) on Him.

This has truly allowed to see a different side of myself. It has shown me that I no longer bottle up offenses or take up burdens that are not meant for me to carry. Other people’s problems no longer become my own and I no longer have that need to try to fix them either. It’s definitely a liberating feeling.

It’s maturity. 

 

Courage

  1. the ability to do something that frightens one.
    • strength in the face of pain or grief.

     

There is something about this definitoin that brings a sense of strength when I read it. It tells me that no matter how we feel, it doesn’t have to keep us from rising up from the pit or from pushing through the oppression we face.

…Strength in the face of pain or grief

I believe that I am going through the final stages of the grieving process. I did something today that I have been avoiding since the beginning of August. Today I was reminded of it, again. I was reminded during today’s preaching. It was about how we tend to close certain areas of our heart from God (Holy Spirit) because it’s hard to relive those things or let them go. Thoughts came to my mind of what I needed to do and immediately I tried to shut them away, like I have been. I knew better. I knew that God wanted me to confront this in order to begin the rest of my healing and restoration process  in my life so I can finally move on.

 

I got home…

I stood at my closet with an empty bag and a shirt in my hand and I began to cry out to God. I told Him, “I need You hear with me!” I was having a hard time. It was like, “if you want me to do this then I need You here with me. I am not going to do this alone.” Then I placed the folded shirt in the bag and began pulling the rest of my husbands clothes off the hangers.

It’s time for me to let go.

During that whole time I felt peace. I needed the courage to finally do it even though thoughts would bring that fear and sense of loneliness in. God, my father showed up in that moment because I had the courage to finally get up and do what He knew would be hard for me. He reminded me that in the midst of the hardest, toughest and scariest moments, He will always be there. We don’t have go through or do things alone.

That’s all I have been doing lately. Things that I always desired to do, He has opened doors for me to do. It has been scary and there have been times where I wanted to just hide and avoid people seeing me, but I can’t. God has finally taken me out of the “cave” and is now placing me in a place where I cannot avoid those things that used to bring fear.

I am being courageous in the midst of the grief. I am being courageous though I feel fear. I am being courageous even though I still feel alone. I am being courageous because I know Who goes before me and Who has always been by my side.

 

No More “Relationships”  –I am waiting for the “ONE.” 

It’s a promise I made to God. It’s also the reason why I still wear my engagement ring. It’s now become a promise ring. It’s promise to God and myself that I will no longer be in random relationships. It’s a promise of purity during this season of singleness.

I truly believe that God has another man for me. So the steps I am taking now, I believe are necessary. I have been asking God to prepare me and do what needs to be done in my life, so that I can be ready for him (my future husband.) I want to be healed and fully restored so that when the time comes for a new relationship from Him, I will have nothing from the past to carry into my relationship/marriage.

It will be a fresh start. It will be one truly founded on Him. It will truly be a blessing.

God has been doing so many things in me, my body, that have been so exciting and all in preparation for what’s to come.

I am excited.

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The promise I cling to.

 

 

As I was standing there, placing in the bag one piece of clothing at a time, I sensed God standing there with me. It was an encounter I truly needed, with my Father. 

 

Wanted

This blog post was written back in April. I have finally felt led to share it, as my new "perspective" on my journey fits in. I have come a long way since this post and I am truly thankful to God. My experiences have led me to truly wait on God and his timing for everything, especially when it comes to Him brining the right person and people in my life. It was said, "God sees the heart of the people. When we wait on God, we are set up for success."- Marcela Page 
She was referring to relationships founded on God. That word was for me. -Stephanie

The Truth

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what to say… for the first time I feel a block, as if something within me doesn’t want me to share what has been happening in my life. Loss. I seem to be familiar with this lately. I have cried out to God and asked Him why He has allowed me to go through so much loss and different types at that. I don’t understand.

I have been an emotional mess, trying to go in every direction; away from God. It’s left me broken.

Abandoned

I have been feeling this for awhile now. I have cried for my husband and even wondered why he would want to leave me. Anger arose within me and I just lashed out at him as if he could hear me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to come back to me.

That’s something I haven’t felt until recently. These past few months I realized just how much my husband loved me, cherished me and appreciated me and it only made me miss him even more. It made me wish he was still here, so that I could appreciate him that much more.

Every loss I have experienced in my life has left me feeling abandoned or unwanted. Why? Because I have always placed my dependency on them. I made them my source of happiness, comfort and companionship and when they were gone, it always left me wandering: “What am I going to do now?”

Being abandoned, pushed to the side or enduring a type of loss does not mean you’re unwanted or not good enough.

Lies

The feeling of not being good enough can shrink you so low. I know this, well. Since my husband passed away I have been struggling with my identity; who I am without him. I was the one he cherished, encouraged and reminded who they were, constantly. He was my affirmation…

August 29, 2019

…Being without him made me feel lost, because when he was still here I knew where we were heading and I knew my place. After he left, I wasn’t so sure anymore… until the past couple months when I left the place that was “familiar.”

I am seeing God move in my life in so many ways, ways that I was beginning to think would not happen anymore. I had to step out in faith and allow Him to lead me to, “the land that He would show me.” I didn’t know what the outcome would be. I didn’t have all the details. I just knew it was time to go, and I went. 

 

A New Perspective

Referring back to the beginning of this blog; feeling abandoned, feeling not wanted… the enemy painted a picture in my head that had me depressed for awhile. I was beginning to believe that I was abandoned by my husband. That he wanted to leave me, that he chose to leave me alone. I felt not good enough, all over again. I was beginning wonder what was so wrong about me that I continued to lose people.

How wrong and twisted my thinking had been.

I Feel To Share This:

I know so many others feel this way. Especially those who have lost loved ones due to suicide. (Though I don’t know what that feels like, I wanted to tell you… it wasn’t your fault. You are wanted. You are loved. You are someone that others want to be around.)

As someone who suffered with suicidal thoughts, it was more about how low, unworthy, not good enough I felt, than it was to hurt those who cared about me. It was about how I no longer wanted to feel the way I did. 

God knows who needed to read that. He loves you!

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Things have been happening around me that has allowed me to see something new. I once heard a pastor say that it’s easier to lose (to death) a spouse than it is to be separated from them and constantly seeing them. When my husband passed away it wasn’t his choice. I know that he didn’t want to leave me; as he said it right before the stroke happened. Believing that has been making the healing process that much easier, though it hurts and I still have my moments. (I find myself right here, this week.) 

I have been a witness and have experienced being on the other side of the disrespect and someone choosing to hurt me, push me to the side and abandon me at my lowest. I believe things like that hurt so much more because they choose to do it and because it was in their minds; hearts to do such things.

Healing is coming to my heart because I am understanding that my husband didn’t have a choice to leave me. It was God’s will for it to happen the way it did. We had no choice. 

Knowing this truth, is brining comfort while removing the doubt, anger and the “whys.” I am beginning to move on and slowly feeling less and less guilty for it. It was not my choice, either. It was something that had to be done, though.

Knowing this truth is allowing me to accept God’s love. It’s helping me believe that I am good enough and that I am wanted. It’s allowing me to believe that His goodness for my life is true and that in due time I will see His promises finally unfold.

I no longer wonder, “why?!”

I no longer look at where I was and say, “I can’t believe…”

I no longer look at myself through eyes of widowhood, but of a single woman who has been blessed with a brand new start. 

I will be enjoying this journey and wait for God’s timing for a new a blessed relationship… I am worthy of every good thing. 

A Blessing of A Friendship

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Today I had a very specific revelation; it became clear to me the very purpose as to why we go through so many different things… to be a beacon of hope for others who are going through the same things. To manifest understanding, support and the unconditional love of The Father.

‘He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ‘

2 Corinthians 1:4

A few week’s ago I was reconnected with an old friend. During this time of getting to know them all over again, I have come to learn that we have gone through similar things; down to losing our mothers the same year, month and only three days apart. God works in such mysterious ways. 

I have learned that people do not cross our paths without reason. There are no coincidences. Things happen for a specific reason. 

Having this friendship and the love from my best friend Jennifer has helped me get my mind off  of my last relationship. I haven’t laughed so much, like I do now. This new friendship is one where I have been able to really be myself, again. The last person I was like this with, was my husband; someone who gets my humor and who has one just the same.

It amazes me how everything I have been through throughout my life has opened up my heart in such a way, now, that I never expected. Spending more time with Papa has really opened up my eyes and heart to see things how I never saw them before.

It’s a new maturity and love for the hurting and those around me who are struggling with the very same things I did. I have experienced the torment of anxiety. I have experienced the loneliness of depression. I have also experienced the sting of loss, on multiple occasions. So I get it. I know what it feels like. 

 I want my story to bring hope. I want my story to bring life. I want my story to manifest the goodness of the One who helped me through it all. I want it to be proof that if He could do it for me and in me, then He can do it in everyone. 

This new season of being “hidden,” being still has been a blessing. Like I said things are starting to come to life in a way I never experienced before. I love it.

It’s priceless. It’s special. I have learned to leave everything in God’s hands. 

 

Without understanding, we become impatient. Without understanding we push those who are hurting away, unless we ourselves have been in their shoes. -Stephanie

 

Be kind. Be patient. Be loving. You’d be amazed at the outcome.

 

Begin

Hello, loves!

I know I have been MIA for awhile. Life has just been happening and I have been, or still am in a season of just being… silent. It’s been so hard to just sit  back and allow what needs to be done. If you are like me and like to share every. single. thing, then you know how hard it’s been. I have really been trying to be intention with spending time alone with God and just being led by Him.

He has really been speaking into my life and ministering a bunch of healing into my heart. I have been dealing, still with my husband’s passing and having to confront so many different memories I realized I pushed away because of them being so hard to think about.

One thing for sure is, He has really been speaking to me about what it is to start AGAIN.

 

When life hits you hard and you find yourself trying to get back to “normal,” and you realize nothing will ever be the same again, begin again.
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🌸For me that phrase is starting over, starting fresh. I have spent so much time trying to get back to my own “normal,” and struggled to realize that it is gone. Nothing is or will ever be the same and because of that, I am no longer the same. I am ok with that. 

🌸The heartbreak, the pain has made me realize that I am stronger. The wrong choices that led to abandonment and rejection have only made me wiser. 

Begin again, where you are. Sometimes it can be scary, but remember you are not alone. –Stephanie Ann

Silence

For me being “silent,” isn’t as easy as I thought.

Being silent has meant not posting things on social media just to show people what I was up to, making a point or trying to prove something to everyone. When I was told to cut back on doing that, I realized how much of it I was actually doing.

We live in a time when everything is posted online for others to see.

I felt it was meant in a different way for me. It was a way to keep myself from losing credibility about my walk with God and who I really am. 

Sometimes we can post something that causes us to lose sight of who we are or cause others to change the way they see us. It really does take just one post.

I posted on Facebook every single bad thing I was feeling, but then I would post stuff about how good God is… I knew something needed change.

Not only has this season of being silent helped me see where I have been wrong, it has also taught me to just listen. It’s helped me stay still long enough to hear from God and allow Him to bring to the surface areas of my life that I had just smashed down, never to be seen or thought of again.

It was time for them to rise to the surface because God wanted to set me free and heal that area of my life. 

Staring Death in The Face

A week ago my emotions were all over the place. I felt angry. I felt sad. I just felt emotional. I had no idea why. Things from my husband’s passing would pop into my head at random times and I would become teary eyed and just push them donw, again. I just didn’t want to confront them.

I was really missing him.

One night, as I was laying in bed, I kept tossing and turing. I just couldn’t sleep. Out of no where fashbacks from the hopsital where my husband passed away came to mind. All of a sudden I got a flashback of the day my husband died. I quickly sat up and began to cry. It was a cry that came from the pit of my stomach; a cry filled with so much pain. I told God, “no!”  I didn’t want to relive that moment.

All I heard was, “what do you see?” He was asking me to say out loud the memory that was tormenting me. I told him, “I see his dead body laying there, him so lifeless.”  It was the memory of when I walked into the room only to see him like that.

I couldn’t help but break down and let out many silent screams. Something was being broken and I was being set free. I felt so much peace when it was done and I heard these gentle words; “It was necessary for healing.” He then went on to remind me of how far I have come since my husband passed away.

God knew that I was still struggling with the breakup of this last relationship I was in. He told me, “If you were able to get through that (my husband’s passing) then can get through anything.” In other words, if I have been able get through the most difficult thing in my life, then there is nothing that I cannot overcome.

The same goes for you. If you have been through something so traumatic, so painful and have been able to get through, then there is nothing that you cannot overcome. He is your strength in times of trouble. 

‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.’

Psalms 46:1

 

Nothing Is Normal

Going back to the part above, talking about beginning again.

This whole time, after my husband’s passing I wasted time trying to get back to “normal” and wanting things to back to normal. I struggled to get into the flow of this new life before me ,because I was trying to hold on to the past; the good things.

In this season, I have been learning that it’s really ok to move on. It’s ok to starting living this new life I have been given. Day by day I am learning how to begin again and enjoy it. Whatever that may look like for you, whether you’re a widow, orphan, whatever circumstance you’re in, YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.

The hardest past about all of this; widowhood, miscarriage… is seeing it as a blessing and a fresh start. How??? By truly believing that God is a good God and that He has a plan for every single thing we go through, it’s also truly believing that it’s all been His will. 

That is what has gotten me through all of this. 

Every time I felt God to be unjust in all that He has allowed to happen in my life, this verse was always brought before me in so many different ways.

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘

Jeremiah 29:11

Close friends/family would send it to me because it was on their heart, or I would hear it somewhere or I would be shopping and see it on a notebook. It was God whispering it into my heart, to remind me that His plans for me were NOT to harm me, but to prosper me. It was His way of reminding me that if I had gotten everything I wanted or believed for, it wouldn’t have been such a blessing.

We ask for what we think we need, but in God not granting that request it is Him protecting us and saving us for something so much better.

Yes, my husband is gone, but I still believe God has someone greater for me.

Yes, my baby is now in heaven, but I believe that God will bless me and future husband with a beautiful family.

Everything has it’s timing.

You want to know the honest truth and the reason I have been able to move forward and no longer feel guilty?

God told me:  my husband was only meant to be in my life for a season. He was used to help me grow in the things of God, bring healing and restoration to my life. My husband’s purpose on earth had also been done and it was time to go home for a greater purpose.

When that revelation came into my heart, it set me free. It helped me understand that it is ok to keep living my life.

It’s ok to keep living yours as well. ❤

The love my husband and I had for each other, will never fade from my heart. He will always have his place in my life. Nothing or no one will be able to take that away. I know I will just learn how to put that aside, the day God brings the right one into my life.

In the mean time I am still learning how to “drive” this new life, this new me. I am happy with it just being me and Him. 

I am in a very good place, emotionally.

You Know

You Know
Written by Stephanie Ann
October 21, 2018

You know the plans you have for me; plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. I cried out to you. I heard you tell me You love me. I inclined my heart to You and showers of your love came over me. I know You love me; tears running down my face. Before I speak, You already know what aches my heart. As I draw closer, You are there drawing closer to me. You meet me here. Already knowing what I need, You swing Your arms wide open. I run into them. How I need you so much. I need You so much, for You know the plans You have for me; plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future. I believe You. I really believe you. You reminded me of this, for You knew what I carried in my heart. Every tear You see, not one goes unnoticed. You have a plan for every tear. You save them for the proper time. To spring forth something great; watered with the tears I’ve shed. The pain; the hurt, the soil for Your promises in my life. For You know the plans You have for me; plans to prosper and not to harm me. Plans to give me hope and a future.

-Jeremiah 29:11

From My Heart

Nothing makes me feel more at ease than to know that God is near me; the broken hearted. On days like today; where I can have a great day and all of a sudden feel as though the rug was pulled from under me.

I am hurting. 

Every single time I feel like I do right now, I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11. It seems to be God’s anthem for my life and season I am in. It’s as though He is say, “Trust me, I have something planned for you. All this has a purpose. Be patient.” It never fails… I hear that promise over and over.

I have grown to learn that when God says something over and over, it’s for a reason. He repeats Himself until we finally get it.

Papa, I get it.

I know that in this very season of my life, God is having me wait. He isn’t letting me settle for what I think I need at the moment. He is teaching me to walk confidently in knowing that He has something better for me. I do believe Him.

He sees my heart and knows the very thing that has been causing tears to flow from my eyes; like right now. The thought that I will not be able to have again what I had with my husband still torments me.

God is a God who restores and returns back to us 100 fold what the enemy has stolen from us. We just need to be still and trust Him and His timing.

New Year

A part of me is happy about the new year, yet another part of me still wants to hold on. I am about to leave behind a year that I still had with my husband to begin a new one without him.

I don’t want to. (My heart screams!)

It’s as though I am standing before a grave not wanting to leave something that is no longer there; the life I knew. 

The life I knew is gone and before me is one that seems so foreign to me.

I am afraid; afraid of moving on in all aspects of my life.

 

 

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The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.-Psalm 34:18

The First One

The holidays have arrived, I don’t think I was ready like I assumed I was. The week came and sadness grew. All I wanted was to have my love here again.  With sadness in my heart; depression tried to make it’s way in. The power of God within me, immediately the door shut. I grew strong, I was able to stand. Thankful I became, for God has always been…

The Week of Thanksgiving

Of course, the week didn’t start off well. Monday came and I didn’t want to get out of bed for work. There was something going on inside of me; a battle. I was becoming sad and depression tried to come in. I was becoming very unhappy about the holidays. All I wanted was my husband back.

The thought of my first one without him in seven years, it was hard. Immediately I was thinking of not doing anything. I just wanted to stay home. I wanted to revert and be alone. I wanted to just sulk and be miserable; without anybody seeing me…

On days when I miss my husband so much, I feel him. There are times I feel that he is going to walk through the door or that I am going to hear him tell me something I need to hear. I still feel him so close; and that’s what’s hard… knowing that he isn’t. 

Always Something To Be Thankful For

To be honest, at the beginning of the week it became kind of hard to see the what I was truly thankful for. My emotions were all over the place and the last thing I felt was thankful. I couldn’t see the good because I was starting to focus of the who was missing from my life, now.

God always has a way to open our eyes and cause us to see what we cannot see on our own. When we believe that there is no way, He makes a way; for whatever circumstance it may be. 

After a rough few days during the week; Thursday came… (post from my Instagram.)

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“Enter His gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to Him and praise His name. 

-Psalms 100: 4

In the most difficult seasons there is always something to be thankful for. 

“Today I am thankful. Though there is sadness in my heart; I can smile and say, ‘Thank You, God.’ I say thank you because for the last seven years I was blessed with having my love with me during the holidays. Today marks the first Thanksgiving without him. I am not bitter. I am not angry. I am thankful because though he isn’t here anymore, God and my family/friends are. I honestly wondered how I would feel today and in all honesty, I’m ok. There are certain things that I am going to stay away from because they just remind me so much of babe. Earlier this week I broke down and the thought of everybody else moving on while I’m still here grieving. I told myself that I was going to stay home and do nothing…I didn’t feel like celebrating at the time. I woke up feeling the same way, but I told God how much I needed Him and I asked for His help. He answered. I am thankful for everyone in my life and who has made the effort. Words cannot express the gratitude and how much it’s helped me in this season. There is just so much to be thankful for, especially when you can’t feel or see it. I am thankful that my husband is home and happy! I am thankful to have my dad here another year. I am thankful for my family and friends. I am thankful.”

“There are no words that can express the longing in my heart to have you here with me. I miss you everyday and I often wish I could hold you again. I miss your voice and the soothing words you often spoke. My heart aches, but at the same time, it rejoices. I know you’re happy. Because of that I will be too. Oh, how I love you.-Stephanie

Avoiding The Familiar

Yesterday, it being Thanksgiving I broke away from something that was familiar. I went to my sisters house rather than my mother in-laws house like I had originally planned. Deep down I felt bad for not going over to visit.

Though I felt bad, a part of me honestly felt relief. I didn’t want to be reminded that my husband was no longer here. I didn’t want to talk about him like he isn’t here anymore; though he’s not. I was a coward, honestly. Little by little I have been avoiding familiar things because I don’t want to experience the way it will make me feel. I don’t like crying knowing I cannot bring him back. I don’t like feeling heartbroken and desperate to have him back again… so I’ve tried to avoid it.

It’s so easy to stay away from things that will make us feel uncomfortable, but we can only do that for so long, until God places us in a place where we have no choice but to face those things. I have been there many times. 

 

I Don’t Want To Be The Same

I enjoyed myself with my family. I let loose and had a drink, or two, or… I didn’t care. I was laughing, I was having fun; I was being someone that I no longer am. It felt good to be around my family and cracking jokes and making fun of the things they said and did. I had missed that.

I left feeling relaxed, but at the same time thinking about how I didn’t do that when my husband was around, so why now? I know there’s a void there that I am still trying to fill with things other than God. A void of loneliness; companionship. Lately I have been desiring another man in my life; so much so that I have been looking.  I have been wondering if that man would love me as much as my husband did or would he even accept me how my husband did.

It’s been such torment. 

I don’t want to be that woman who longs for men. I don’t want to be that woman who cannot be single. I don’t want to need relationships to make me feel complete.

I want God to be ENOUGH and all I need. My Confession: I am no longer afraid of being single.

 

For The Woman Who Struggles

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I am not perfect. The mistake I make is continuing to see myself as a widow; through the eyes of paid and loss. The mistakes I make; the sins I commit open doors to lies that get me to doubt. Each day I need more and more of God and less of what my flesh desires. I need to start opening up my life to God so that I can be used.

If all I did was pretend that everything was ok and not share the ugly and the real; it would help no one. I cry. I often doubt that God is all I need; therefore having the desire for a man. I often doubt that I will have another man who loved me and accepted me like my husband did. I am scared that I won’t be able to open up they way I did with my husband… I see it now all this is because I haven’t allowed Him to fill me completely and I have not fully trusted him. 

 

For The Widow

In the midst of what I was feeling and going through, I couldn’t help but feel for other women going through the same thing. Understanding their pain, yet knowing that there is someone who could comfort them…I was led to share this:

46650508_195356981372978_1403143662161887232_n🌸For the woman who grieves; you’re not alone. In these days as sadness comes to you, know that there is hope beyond the pain. There is strength for the weakness and joy for the sadness.-Stephanie 

My prayer: Father, cover every woman who is struggling. Protect them from the lies that try to bring confusion and anger. May You, the God of all comfort, wrap them in Yours arms and fill them with a peace that surpasses all understanding. May their hearts be filled with joy in Your company and the company of loved ones. On days of celebration I pray that they are touched by Your love and reminded that they are valued and cherished by You. I pray that the days become easier and they grow stronger. I pray for blessings over them and that all things fall into place; just as it’s been done for me. I declare courage over every widow. I declare protection for their hearts and minds; that nothing will harm them.

You are protected by God and covered by the blood of Jesus. No weapon formed against you will prevail. I pray that you have the revelation of how special you are and that this is not the end, but only the beginning of something great. You are loved. In Jesus name, Amen. 🌸

”He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭147:3‬ ‭NLT
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Dear Spouses

Don’t take anything for granted. Wives, let your husband caress you and touch you. The day you no longer have that, is when you will be desiring to have it again. Same for the husbands.

Love each other and cherish each other. The days are not promised. Appreciate the time you spend together and never wish you had your own space. When that space is given, yet unwanted, you will be desiring to have them around again.

Never forget that you love each other. Never forget the promises you made to one another. Never forget the good things, but always strive to be better at creating even better things with each other.

Never be satisfied with taking, that you forget to out give one another. You are one. What hurts them should hurt you. What brings them joy should bring you joy.

Above all else, learn to love each other past the flaws, past the mistakes. Forgiveness is key. Above everything else, protect the friendship that first established your relationship. For when you protect that friendship, you protect your marriage.

Never take them for granted. -Stephanie

 

Summer

A peaceful noise; the chirping of the crickets, the night so calm. How I love these summer nights; the warmth, yet fresh. The slight gusts of wind through the windows is like a gentle kiss. Relaxing. Peaceful. It is.

Summer

I have been loving these past few days; the weather in the high 90s and low 100s. I am enjoying it, though I haven’t spent so much time outdoors lately. I miss those days when we were always outside. When we yearned to plan picnics at the park, followed by a game of softball… a family favorite. ❤ I really miss those days. I was literally thinking about that today.

Summer has never been my favorite season until this year. Last year, is when I changed my lifestyle and determined myself to get healthy. I was so out of shape, two years ago. The heat just added to my distress. I was the type of girl who complained about nothing looking right, or feeling “fat.” I was. I was at my heaviest and so miserable. So, of course I was self-conscience.

I am happy to say,…

It’s not like that for me this summer. Lately, I have been looking forward to going out and wearing cute summer dresses and cute outfits, to show off my new confidence. Why? I feel proud of my accomplishments. I am able to wear things I never wore before like: chokers (I haven’t worn one since I was in high school), spaghetti strap tops, off the shoulder blouses, shorts, etc.. I fit into smaller size clothes. That makes me happy. Why? Because I know I am not where I used to be. Sure, I am still not where I want to be, but that is ok. ❤

Oh, It’s Just Me

Image may contain: 1 person, smiling, standing and outdoorTo be totally honest, this was the first full body photo I liked in a very long time. I always thought I didn’t look good. It’s amazing how my face reflects the confidence I have finally been able to feel. I didn’t have to starve myself. I didn’t have to start strict diets, like I used to. I have been loving my body. I have been strengthening it and nurturing it. It has taken me a really long time to “lose weight.” I see so many other women who drop weight so easily and it used to make me feel bad, but now it doesn’t.”-Stephanie

It wasn’t until I finally listened to my body and began giving it what it needed. I started doing workouts that were right for my body. I started making changes to my diet that were right for my body. I stopped following someone else’s lifestyle and began my own.

Since then, I have been happier, stronger and I have learned to enjoy the things I like. That is how  I began seeing so many changes. God is good. ❤

“Loving yourself is the best thing you can do for your body. When you learn to take care of it and nurture it, it will then begin doing what you need it to do.”-Stephanie

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Something Different

I spent all day thinking about my next blog post. (Ha ha) I am serious. I wanted something different. I wanted something other than what I have been writing about; though some things are still the same, I feel a lot happier. So I wanted to post about how I have been enjoying summer and stuff.

It feels good to do something different every once in awhile.

 

QUOTE

“Self-confidence is the most attractive quality a person can have. How can anyone see how great you are, if you can’t see it yourself.”-Uknown

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This has been my favorite accessory these days. The wrap around choker. ❤ A few months ago I wouldn’t have thought about wearing it. It’s not the case anymore, and the feeling is amazing.