Changes

The days have come and they have gone. The one thing that has remained has been Your love for me. Through the ups and through the downs, You never left my side. I have cried and I have laughed, but in those hidden struggles in between, You carried me into things yet unseen. You loved me then, how much more now. You have seen my heart and have heard those silent cries; my heart’s desire is just about to arrive. I thank You now as much as I have then. For I know good things are no longer delayed. Here is to something new as I let go of the old.

Something New

There is something new coming next year. Something new in my personal life. Something new in my walk with God. Something new in all aspects of my life. I reflect on the days still left and I am so amazed on how fast this year has gone. I remember how this year started and how the months went by. From brokenness to healing, all I can say is: “No one, but God.”  

I shared something on Instagram today. Something that I had been feeling for awhile, especially this entire month. This Christmas seemed to be more emotional for me than last year. This year a lot was different. I did not hang up my husband’s stocking… as I felt it was time to let it go and start new. I am letting him go. That was not the only thing that was different this year…

This Christmas started off emotional, but ended blessed.

Guilt set in as I was preparing to spend it with new people in my life. This time my husband’s stocking wasn’t put out. I didn’t know how to feel about that, but I definitely felt his absence again. It was as if reality sank in all over again. 

I am beginning to move on with my life and at times it still stings. I take a pause and ask myself, “is this OK?!” I had found myself talking to Freddy and asking him if this or that was OK. As if I still needed his reassurance. At times it feels like I still do… but I am making progress. 

🌸What I experienced yesterday was worth more than anything materialistic. Days like yesterday are what matter to me most. It was the greatest gift of “time” spent. Memories were created; things that I will cherish.

I got to spend Christmas day with two special people in my life. I was actually there truly enjoying the moment and thinking how, “this is what I want.” It was special to me. I finally felt a part of their, “world.” It is honestly something that I will cherish.

Take His Place

I know the time is coming when that place in my life will be filled. Things have been moving forward and I am just leaving it all in God’s hands. I trust His guidance and plans for my life. All the little things I am doing, the letting go are making way for the new to come and fall into place.

It’s emotional of course, but I know good things are coming.

 


 

I loved him then, I love him now, but soon that love will be transferred completely to the one in my life, giving him is place. 

 


 

Until then I will continue to walk by faith and continue to see further ahead.

The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring.

Isaiah 58:11

 

No Longer Looking Back

“Just go, and no longer look back;” is all I can hear in my soul. There is a feeling within I never had before. A desire to go… where? I do not know. I just want to go, with You. There is a freedom I feel, one I cannot contain. Lead me; I will go. I cannot just stay when there is so much to explore. I have no one holding me back, anymore. I just want to, go.

Time To Move

I have always felt like I was not meant to stay in one single place. I always felt like God would lead me to travel/explore. I feel that desire so much more, now. I am single. I am no longer married. I am no longer tied down. God has allowed it to be this way. I still yet to fully understand why and I still have my moments of doubt.

Last night was one of those moments. I finally started to clear out the closet and remove some of my husband’s things. I feel like it’s time to change things up around here. I need a change. The familiar is only hurting me. It’s time to let go of the past, though it still hurts!

Touching his clothes was the hardest thing. I wasn’t able to get rid of everything. I just can’t yet. I stood at the closet holding his clothes and I let out something that I was holding in for so long. It was this anger, hurt and deep sadness that I had finally let out. I cried and at the same time I asked, “Why aren’t you here with me?! Why?! Why did you have to leave me?!” I was demanding an answer. I needed to know why he was no longer with me anymore.

I stood there for a moment just crying and allowing God to take away what I was feeling at that moment. I opened my heart to Him and allowed Him that part of my heart.

It was the beginning to a new and deep kind of healing for me. 

A post on my facebook blog page:

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“I cried out “why?!” This time I was asking him.
After letting it out, I am feeling better. I feel peace. I know it’s time and I know this is necessary. 🌸
🌸Everyday is getting better and I am getting stronger.”

This journey of widowhood and singleness has been a lonely and painful one, but I am starting to trust that He is always here with me as I begin this journey of healing and restoration.

Today

I left service feeling so unsatisfied, not because the word wasn’t good or anything like that, it was because of my desire. For some reason I cannot see myself, “just there.” Maybe it’s the culture, the atmosphere, but for someone reason I don’t fit in. There is something within me I cannot explain, nor am I going to try to. I just know what I feel and what I am meant to do. 

I continue to ask God what it means and all I can hear is, “just go.” But where?! That is still unknown to me. I know when it’s time He will make all things clear. The last thing I want to do is be rebellious, again. 

On the way home from service I had this conversation with my dad. I told him how I felt and all he said was, “just be led by God and know you do not have to explain anything to anyone.” He is right.

Singleness

      …is a gift.

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It’s a gift that not very many people are able to see it as. I was one of them, but now I am beginning to get to the point where I am wanting to explore so many things, alone with God. My ultimate companion. Especially after what I have gone through recently.  This last relationship I was in and how it ended, only left me not wanting to be in another relationship until the right one comes along; in God’s timing.

This new season I am in, I get excited at the thought of just going without the need to worry about who will agree or not agree or the need to share it all on social media; to be able to disconnect from everything and simply enjoy where I am going and where I end up. 

That is what I need. 

This season of singleness is allowing me to see so many things that I wasn’t able to before. I have the freedom to get up and go whenever God says to. That alone is a blessing. I never saw that before until I went to see my best friend. I felt led to take a road trip to see her and her family. I hadn’t seen them in years. It was a getaway that I needed. 

God used her to show me something. She made me see how much of a blessing it was to be able to take road trips and just get up and go whenever I wanted. She said that she wished she was able to do the same, but can’t because she has a family.

She has what I have always desired; children. Yet, for some reason God has not allowed that in my life at the moment. As much as it hurts and there are times I become bitter at the site of others having what I so desire, I am finally understanding that it’s not His time yet. I am finally accepting it.

I want to fall in love with God on my own. I mean, I want to encounter Him like never before and be able to travel with the utmost assurance that He is there with me and that I am not alone.

I want to truly experience what it’s like to be single. I don’t want to depend on a man to make me feel whole or wait for someone in order to do what I am supposed to do or to get up and go somewhere. I want to experience that kind of freedom. I want that kind of independence, while fully depending on Him. 

It’s my time. 

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