Who Am I?!

I have been so angry. A type of anger that has locked me inside of doubt, insecurity and kept me thinking that I am alone. Today I let myself fall to the ground; I was tired. You know how hard I have been fighting to keep my head afloat. I have picked myself up many times before, but I could not do it again. My only Hope is in You; I need you all over again.

I Don’t Know Who I Am

Just a few years ago I was a wife, devoted to serving in God’s how with my husband, then out of nowhere I became a widow. I was lost, I was confused and the one thing I thought I needed was to run away and start again.

It’s funny because life has a way of reminding us that our own plans always fail. 

I have taken so many wrong turns. I have been dealing with consequences of my actions, lately. I have fallen, but the only thing keeping me above the surface, is Him; my trust in Him… the relationship I still managed to keep.

Today I was reflecting on my life and how many things I have gone through in just a short time.

I feel robbed of grieving time. I have moments where I wish I could just cry and be alone when I need to be. I happen to catch myself feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. I grew tired of the pain and memories, that I locked them away.

After my husband died, I realized a part of me died. I didn’t know this, until God began revealing to me something. For a long time I kept thinking about and seeing visions of the hospital where my husband passed away at. I have been thinking of the very small and lonely waiting room that I would pray and wait for good news. I have been thinking of how I felt when I was there. I remember just the pain, the fear and the loneliness of it all…

“The moment Freddy passed away, is the moment you lost a part of yourself.” 

A part of me died that day and I have not gotten it back. I cried so much today. God revealed to me a lot of anger and pain I had against Him. He showed me something so deep, something I never really thought about, but just happened.

After my husband died I became angry at God. A root took place in my mind that contaminated my heart. I began believing that God would never do anything good for me. After all, He didn’t answer my prayer regarding my husband…

A Broken Mother

In less than two years, I have gone through two miscarriages.

I recently asked myself… why has God allowed me to go through so much loss?

After many years of dwelling on this, it only began to bug me this last weekend. For the past thirteen years I have been the only one in my family without kids. I never thought twice about it. I would always just say, “Not yet.”

To this day I continue to respond the same, but it is no longer true. I do have kids. In Heaven. My last miscarriage hurt so much more than the first. (I was seven weeks and saw my baby in an ultrasound.)

What hurt the most was… the same day as my first ultra-sound I started going through the miscarriage. I lost my baby that same night.

I remember laying in bed in so much pain and crying out to God, asking Him to save my baby and allow me to hold my baby… after praying that I placed my hands on my stomach and felt the last contraction… my baby had come out.

At the time I didn’t realize what I was holding in a piece of toilet paper was not just blood clots, but my precious baby. Through a picture I had taken, I got to see how their body was beginning to form; their hands, feet, legs…

how I wish I was about to meet my baby. 

I Feel Like Job

Though not as drastic as his life, I have endured a lot of loss. My life has gone off track a bit, but in my heart has been the desire to realign with His will for my life. One thing is, writing a lot more. He has already sent people to confirm that I need to get back on it.

I have so much to share, I am just not sure in what order. What I wrote today was what has been in my heart so much and the very thing that God is needing to confront. I cannot keep avoiding these painful memories and expect healing and freedom.


 

Best miscarriage Quotes, Status, Shayari, Poetry & Thoughts ...

I am a mother, though I do not have my children near. 

I am a mother, though my pregnancies were cut short.

I am a mother, for I carried life in my womb. 

I am a mother, though I do not feel it.

 

 

 

 


 

Whoever I now am, I am still trying to figure out. Whoever it is; a widow, a mother…or just a daughter, I know I will be stronger because I have experienced them all. I know that He will take what was meant to hurt me and turn into something amazing. Whoever I am becoming, I know the journey will be worth it.

I trust Him.

 

Up, Again

I look at myself, “who is this I now see?”  Tears fall from my eyes and I can’t help but weep. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten Whos I am… I have felt drained. There have been days when all I could do was cry out for You to carry me. My legs below me, weak as they could be. I am tired…

Photographs

Pictures say more than words can say; “A thousand words,” to be exact.

I have this habit of looking through old photos on my phone. Every time I do I see something different in myself. There is sadness some days and the next there is a completely different person.

Lately I have not felt confident, nor like myself. My body has endured something traumatic all over again (I will share when it’s time) and today I couldn’t help but cry. I realized I was becoming so impatient with myself. I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE!, I felt like yelling out.

I don’t feel attractive. 

I feel bloated.

I am just so emotional.

I feel so angry.

I read those words above and I know it’s no longer me… I was in a place in my life when things were good. I was happy. I was secure in my own skin, but now, I just want to curl up and isolate. (It all ties in with what has happened…)

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A person can look so happy and all put together on the outside, but deep down they are crying out for help because all they feel is inadequate and so unworthy…

…this was me.

I had lost sight of who I am in Him.

I Worry TOO Much

When did this happen? When I took my eyes off of God and placed them on my circumstance, I made myself my own keeper, thinking I knew what was best for my own life. Things have happened and I can clearly see how WRONG I was.

I have stretched myself thin. I have taken on so many other responsibilities and roles that I was clearly not meant to. I worry that I won’t have the courage to do what needs to be done. I worry that I am losing my fire. I worry that my passion for writing becomes stagnant. Worst of all, I worry that my passion for Him becomes lost.

What I Deserve

It’s so hard to feel deserving of all good things after you’ve have done so many bad things. It’s hard to believe that the Father continues to see you as valuable and so worthy of His love when you have slowly wandered away from Him.

What I feel is not what is true.

The more I mess up and more mistakes I make, I always find myself coming back to Him needing assurance that He still loves me. I am thankful that His love is unconditional. To know that someone will never stop loving me regardless of how I am or what I do, brings so much comfort and lets me know I will never be alone. 

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The Lie

That says you are unlovable…

When we make so many mistakes and let people we care about down, we sometimes get it in our heads that we are no longer worthy of forgiveness or love. Though people may make us feel like this, God never will. That has always been His promise to everyone; to me.

“I may be weak, but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God You never will.”- Psalm 73.26

I have struggled so much with this that it has kept me from services and people who care about me. It has caused me to want to isolate myself and just hide with shame and fear. Things this time have been so much harder that I had to really remind myself who God is and who He is not.

The Father loves me. The Father wants me. The Father sees me. The Father is faithful. The Father is merciful. The Father is always there.

 

Up, Again

Little by little I am picking myself up. I am being strengthened each day to push forward and work towards being where I need to be. I am reconnecting with Him and my loved ones. I have been through a lot to know that I cannot do it alone. I don’t even want to try…

I know this journey will be a struggle, but nothing is impossible.

I want to be able to look at myself and feel this joy all over again. I want to be able to see who God sees and not who I feel.

I will overcome. ❤

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A Blessing of A Friendship

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Today I had a very specific revelation; it became clear to me the very purpose as to why we go through so many different things… to be a beacon of hope for others who are going through the same things. To manifest understanding, support and the unconditional love of The Father.

‘He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. ‘

2 Corinthians 1:4

A few week’s ago I was reconnected with an old friend. During this time of getting to know them all over again, I have come to learn that we have gone through similar things; down to losing our mothers the same year, month and only three days apart. God works in such mysterious ways. 

I have learned that people do not cross our paths without reason. There are no coincidences. Things happen for a specific reason. 

Having this friendship and the love from my best friend Jennifer has helped me get my mind off  of my last relationship. I haven’t laughed so much, like I do now. This new friendship is one where I have been able to really be myself, again. The last person I was like this with, was my husband; someone who gets my humor and who has one just the same.

It amazes me how everything I have been through throughout my life has opened up my heart in such a way, now, that I never expected. Spending more time with Papa has really opened up my eyes and heart to see things how I never saw them before.

It’s a new maturity and love for the hurting and those around me who are struggling with the very same things I did. I have experienced the torment of anxiety. I have experienced the loneliness of depression. I have also experienced the sting of loss, on multiple occasions. So I get it. I know what it feels like. 

 I want my story to bring hope. I want my story to bring life. I want my story to manifest the goodness of the One who helped me through it all. I want it to be proof that if He could do it for me and in me, then He can do it in everyone. 

This new season of being “hidden,” being still has been a blessing. Like I said things are starting to come to life in a way I never experienced before. I love it.

It’s priceless. It’s special. I have learned to leave everything in God’s hands. 

 

Without understanding, we become impatient. Without understanding we push those who are hurting away, unless we ourselves have been in their shoes. -Stephanie

 

Be kind. Be patient. Be loving. You’d be amazed at the outcome.

 

Begin

Hello, loves!

I know I have been MIA for awhile. Life has just been happening and I have been, or still am in a season of just being… silent. It’s been so hard to just sit  back and allow what needs to be done. If you are like me and like to share every. single. thing, then you know how hard it’s been. I have really been trying to be intention with spending time alone with God and just being led by Him.

He has really been speaking into my life and ministering a bunch of healing into my heart. I have been dealing, still with my husband’s passing and having to confront so many different memories I realized I pushed away because of them being so hard to think about.

One thing for sure is, He has really been speaking to me about what it is to start AGAIN.

 

When life hits you hard and you find yourself trying to get back to “normal,” and you realize nothing will ever be the same again, begin again.
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🌸For me that phrase is starting over, starting fresh. I have spent so much time trying to get back to my own “normal,” and struggled to realize that it is gone. Nothing is or will ever be the same and because of that, I am no longer the same. I am ok with that. 

🌸The heartbreak, the pain has made me realize that I am stronger. The wrong choices that led to abandonment and rejection have only made me wiser. 

Begin again, where you are. Sometimes it can be scary, but remember you are not alone. –Stephanie Ann

Silence

For me being “silent,” isn’t as easy as I thought.

Being silent has meant not posting things on social media just to show people what I was up to, making a point or trying to prove something to everyone. When I was told to cut back on doing that, I realized how much of it I was actually doing.

We live in a time when everything is posted online for others to see.

I felt it was meant in a different way for me. It was a way to keep myself from losing credibility about my walk with God and who I really am. 

Sometimes we can post something that causes us to lose sight of who we are or cause others to change the way they see us. It really does take just one post.

I posted on Facebook every single bad thing I was feeling, but then I would post stuff about how good God is… I knew something needed change.

Not only has this season of being silent helped me see where I have been wrong, it has also taught me to just listen. It’s helped me stay still long enough to hear from God and allow Him to bring to the surface areas of my life that I had just smashed down, never to be seen or thought of again.

It was time for them to rise to the surface because God wanted to set me free and heal that area of my life. 

Staring Death in The Face

A week ago my emotions were all over the place. I felt angry. I felt sad. I just felt emotional. I had no idea why. Things from my husband’s passing would pop into my head at random times and I would become teary eyed and just push them donw, again. I just didn’t want to confront them.

I was really missing him.

One night, as I was laying in bed, I kept tossing and turing. I just couldn’t sleep. Out of no where fashbacks from the hopsital where my husband passed away came to mind. All of a sudden I got a flashback of the day my husband died. I quickly sat up and began to cry. It was a cry that came from the pit of my stomach; a cry filled with so much pain. I told God, “no!”  I didn’t want to relive that moment.

All I heard was, “what do you see?” He was asking me to say out loud the memory that was tormenting me. I told him, “I see his dead body laying there, him so lifeless.”  It was the memory of when I walked into the room only to see him like that.

I couldn’t help but break down and let out many silent screams. Something was being broken and I was being set free. I felt so much peace when it was done and I heard these gentle words; “It was necessary for healing.” He then went on to remind me of how far I have come since my husband passed away.

God knew that I was still struggling with the breakup of this last relationship I was in. He told me, “If you were able to get through that (my husband’s passing) then can get through anything.” In other words, if I have been able get through the most difficult thing in my life, then there is nothing that I cannot overcome.

The same goes for you. If you have been through something so traumatic, so painful and have been able to get through, then there is nothing that you cannot overcome. He is your strength in times of trouble. 

‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.’

Psalms 46:1

 

Nothing Is Normal

Going back to the part above, talking about beginning again.

This whole time, after my husband’s passing I wasted time trying to get back to “normal” and wanting things to back to normal. I struggled to get into the flow of this new life before me ,because I was trying to hold on to the past; the good things.

In this season, I have been learning that it’s really ok to move on. It’s ok to starting living this new life I have been given. Day by day I am learning how to begin again and enjoy it. Whatever that may look like for you, whether you’re a widow, orphan, whatever circumstance you’re in, YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.

The hardest past about all of this; widowhood, miscarriage… is seeing it as a blessing and a fresh start. How??? By truly believing that God is a good God and that He has a plan for every single thing we go through, it’s also truly believing that it’s all been His will. 

That is what has gotten me through all of this. 

Every time I felt God to be unjust in all that He has allowed to happen in my life, this verse was always brought before me in so many different ways.

‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘

Jeremiah 29:11

Close friends/family would send it to me because it was on their heart, or I would hear it somewhere or I would be shopping and see it on a notebook. It was God whispering it into my heart, to remind me that His plans for me were NOT to harm me, but to prosper me. It was His way of reminding me that if I had gotten everything I wanted or believed for, it wouldn’t have been such a blessing.

We ask for what we think we need, but in God not granting that request it is Him protecting us and saving us for something so much better.

Yes, my husband is gone, but I still believe God has someone greater for me.

Yes, my baby is now in heaven, but I believe that God will bless me and future husband with a beautiful family.

Everything has it’s timing.

You want to know the honest truth and the reason I have been able to move forward and no longer feel guilty?

God told me:  my husband was only meant to be in my life for a season. He was used to help me grow in the things of God, bring healing and restoration to my life. My husband’s purpose on earth had also been done and it was time to go home for a greater purpose.

When that revelation came into my heart, it set me free. It helped me understand that it is ok to keep living my life.

It’s ok to keep living yours as well. ❤

The love my husband and I had for each other, will never fade from my heart. He will always have his place in my life. Nothing or no one will be able to take that away. I know I will just learn how to put that aside, the day God brings the right one into my life.

In the mean time I am still learning how to “drive” this new life, this new me. I am happy with it just being me and Him. 

I am in a very good place, emotionally.

No Longer Looking Back

“Just go, and no longer look back;” is all I can hear in my soul. There is a feeling within I never had before. A desire to go… where? I do not know. I just want to go, with You. There is a freedom I feel, one I cannot contain. Lead me; I will go. I cannot just stay when there is so much to explore. I have no one holding me back, anymore. I just want to, go.

Time To Move

I have always felt like I was not meant to stay in one single place. I always felt like God would lead me to travel/explore. I feel that desire so much more, now. I am single. I am no longer married. I am no longer tied down. God has allowed it to be this way. I still yet to fully understand why and I still have my moments of doubt.

Last night was one of those moments. I finally started to clear out the closet and remove some of my husband’s things. I feel like it’s time to change things up around here. I need a change. The familiar is only hurting me. It’s time to let go of the past, though it still hurts!

Touching his clothes was the hardest thing. I wasn’t able to get rid of everything. I just can’t yet. I stood at the closet holding his clothes and I let out something that I was holding in for so long. It was this anger, hurt and deep sadness that I had finally let out. I cried and at the same time I asked, “Why aren’t you here with me?! Why?! Why did you have to leave me?!” I was demanding an answer. I needed to know why he was no longer with me anymore.

I stood there for a moment just crying and allowing God to take away what I was feeling at that moment. I opened my heart to Him and allowed Him that part of my heart.

It was the beginning to a new and deep kind of healing for me. 

A post on my facebook blog page:

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“I cried out “why?!” This time I was asking him.
After letting it out, I am feeling better. I feel peace. I know it’s time and I know this is necessary. 🌸
🌸Everyday is getting better and I am getting stronger.”

This journey of widowhood and singleness has been a lonely and painful one, but I am starting to trust that He is always here with me as I begin this journey of healing and restoration.

Today

I left service feeling so unsatisfied, not because the word wasn’t good or anything like that, it was because of my desire. For some reason I cannot see myself, “just there.” Maybe it’s the culture, the atmosphere, but for someone reason I don’t fit in. There is something within me I cannot explain, nor am I going to try to. I just know what I feel and what I am meant to do. 

I continue to ask God what it means and all I can hear is, “just go.” But where?! That is still unknown to me. I know when it’s time He will make all things clear. The last thing I want to do is be rebellious, again. 

On the way home from service I had this conversation with my dad. I told him how I felt and all he said was, “just be led by God and know you do not have to explain anything to anyone.” He is right.

Singleness

      …is a gift.

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It’s a gift that not very many people are able to see it as. I was one of them, but now I am beginning to get to the point where I am wanting to explore so many things, alone with God. My ultimate companion. Especially after what I have gone through recently.  This last relationship I was in and how it ended, only left me not wanting to be in another relationship until the right one comes along; in God’s timing.

This new season I am in, I get excited at the thought of just going without the need to worry about who will agree or not agree or the need to share it all on social media; to be able to disconnect from everything and simply enjoy where I am going and where I end up. 

That is what I need. 

This season of singleness is allowing me to see so many things that I wasn’t able to before. I have the freedom to get up and go whenever God says to. That alone is a blessing. I never saw that before until I went to see my best friend. I felt led to take a road trip to see her and her family. I hadn’t seen them in years. It was a getaway that I needed. 

God used her to show me something. She made me see how much of a blessing it was to be able to take road trips and just get up and go whenever I wanted. She said that she wished she was able to do the same, but can’t because she has a family.

She has what I have always desired; children. Yet, for some reason God has not allowed that in my life at the moment. As much as it hurts and there are times I become bitter at the site of others having what I so desire, I am finally understanding that it’s not His time yet. I am finally accepting it.

I want to fall in love with God on my own. I mean, I want to encounter Him like never before and be able to travel with the utmost assurance that He is there with me and that I am not alone.

I want to truly experience what it’s like to be single. I don’t want to depend on a man to make me feel whole or wait for someone in order to do what I am supposed to do or to get up and go somewhere. I want to experience that kind of freedom. I want that kind of independence, while fully depending on Him. 

It’s my time. 

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Alone

I take a look at where I am right now. Tears fill my eyes and my heart with gratitude. I am feeling brand new; free. This journey of being alone, with you, a challenging one it’s been. I have fought. I have cried. I have questioned Your motives for my life, yet you continue to prove Yourself faithful in my life. This road ahead of me, I cannot see the finish line; the destination I so desire. I am moving forward with You by my side fully trusting Your lead. As we walk, I look up at You trying to understand where it is You are leading me to. I am afraid. I am scared of what I do not know. You stand there holding my hand, reminding me that with You by my side good things will come.

Road Trip

This weekend has been a big deal for me. I embarked on my first solo road trip. Months ago plans were made, but God being a good God chose to break the plans I, myself had made.

There was something about going on a trip that sat so well with my soul. It as if God was telling me to, “go.” I made the plans and followed through. I was nervous, I was scared. Of course, I was already beginning to overthink everything.

How am I going to do that? How is the road going to be? What if this? What if that?

Time and time again I have learned that I am able to do a lot of things once I am in the process of doing them. I mean, no one knows what they are capable of doing until they finally get up and do it. They then realize it wasn’t as bad as the lies were telling them. 

I have always been afraid of driving in unfamiliar places, because I never wanted to get lost, alone. Thank God for GPS.

But that’s not what made this trip a pleasant one. It was the very fact that I was alone with God. It was our very first road trip alone, together. I invited Him along and asked Him to watch over me in the process. I felt confident. I felt a new kind of freedom. A new sense of independency.

On the drive to where I was going, I spoke to Him. I opened my heart and shared with Him everything that was still hurting. I let out emotions, feelings, offenses and so on. I cried, I smiled… I had peace. I was happy that I was doing this alone. I needed that one on one time with my Papa.

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Never Alone

While away, I was sharing with my best friend how I have never really been alone. When I met my husband, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. Soon after that break up, me and Freddy started our friendship. We hung out together and with mutual friends. It was him that helped me overcome what I was facing at the time.

We then got closer and it grew into a relationship. I never really had a season of singleness. At that time, God knew I needed Freddy. God used him in a big way, in my life.

Singleness

After awhile of being in a new relationship, I am back at being single. This time it has left me feeling so broken, so pressed down. It’s definitely not what I wanted (being broken up), but needed. God has been showing me who I am, single.

I am being broken from the need of being dependent on someone. He is teaching me how much more I am capable of on my own, with Him. He is giving me this new sense of freedom, that I have never had in my life.

I went from one relationship to the other because of the fear of being alone. 

For the past 8 years and 4 months, I never went anywhere alone. If I didn’t have someone to go with, I wouldn’t go. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of fear.

So, me being so willing and determined to go on this trip by myself, was a huge deal for me and who I am now becoming.

Autophobia

  • the fear of being alone. (Click on the word fear.)

I never knew it was so bad until my husband passed away and this recent break up. I didn’t realize how much I depended on the company of someone to feel safe, whole, secure and so on, until it was no longer there.

The harder I tried to have someone around, the more empty and insecure I would feel. Anxiety was becoming a problem again. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t enjoy anything. It was starting to hurt being around people. Depression was already making itself in, again.

It wasn’t until God finally had me alone, that I was able to finally see how big the problem was.

We cannot overcome something until we clearly see what the root of it is.

So many tears have been shed. So many silent screams have been released to finally be where I am at right now. Yes, I still have a long ways to go. I still struggle with being alone, without a physical companion. I get frustrated because I want what I want and don’t have it.

God Withholds What We Want

… to give us what we need.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord.

What we want and what God desires for us, will never go hand in hand. They will always collide and either we surrender to God’s perfect and pleasing will (Romans 12:2), or our own fleshly desires. Truth is, only one leads to blessings, while the other just leads to destruction.

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I have a lot of experience with this, than I want to admit. So many “lessons learned,” so many, “Lord, I finally get it,” and many, many of these; “never again!” 

All the things that have happened recently have all been things that were consequences of me following my own desires…

A New Kind of Loss

In the month of March, I experienced my very first miscarriage. It’s something that I am still going through and grieving. For awhile I was trying to push it to the side as if it didn’t happen, because of the break up that happen not too long after.

That’s where the sense of abandonment & loneliness started taking a toll on me.

That’s where the road of brokenness began to lead to the road of a whole new kind of freedom for my life.

This pregnancy came as a huge surprise. It was unexpected. When I found out that I was, it was so exciting and we were so happy, but then something changed. So many negative emotions came in like a flood and I was feeling afraid of what people would think.

I wasn’t married. My husband had just passed away…I was afraid.

There is something about the words, “You’re having a miscarriage,” that brings in a whole new kind of grief; especially since being a mom has always been my greatest desire. All this literally left me questioning God’s goodness for my life. The joy of finding out that I was going to be a mom, to devastating reality that there was no longer a baby. I have to accept that it was not a part of God’s plan for my life, yet.

No one knows what that is like, unless they’ve been through it. Women and men handle these things differently, it showed in my case.

I felt alone. I felt like I couldn’t be upset about it. I was made to feel like I couldn’t really show my emotions, so I didn’t really grieve until after the breakup. I was dealing with both at the same time, along with the loss of my husband.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am just now standing back up. 

Road Trip and Miscarriage?

Without one, there wouldn’t be the other. It was because of everything that has happened, that I went away for a couple days. It was the push I needed to step out of my comfort zone.

I needed to get away from the familiar and do something new. Even in this, God led me to confront a part of my past. On this road trip, I had to pass a town where I once lived and experienced a lot of pain and brokenness.

It was the relationship there, that led me to God. I guess I still had some hidden anxiety about passing through and this time alone. On the way back, it wasn’t so bad. I passed through with a new sense of confidence.

It’s something that I know God will lead me to do regarding Stanford!! I’ve pleaded with Him and have said, “NO.” God is having me “pass” through places I have felt the most pain, the most abandoned and where I have experienced the most loss, to set me free. 

As much as I don’t want to, I know it’s necessary. I know I will not be going through it alone. Here is why:

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. -Isaiah 43:2

This is my reality right now. This is the road to my healing and restoration. It’s been hard to surrender to God and his plan for my life. I have been fighting and been so determined to not allow what I feel or going through to overtake me anymore.

Everybody’s journey is different. God deals with everyone differently; in ways that are right for them. Some are more harsh than others, but it’s because He knows how to get through to the hardest of hearts. 

God does not cause bad things to happen, but He does allow them. Most of the time it’s the misuse of our free will that opens doors to things to happen…then we blame God. 

I can’t blame God for what has happened, because I knew better, but I have anyway because I was avoiding the reality of my actions.

Even then God is merciful and still loving. I have been seeing it in my life. Not a day has gone by that He has not loved me or not wanted the best for my life. I finally see that.

Prodigal Daughter

I ran away from God to do what I thought was the best for me. I opened doors to things that He had already set me free from to make things happen in my own time. It left me broken. It left me confused. It left me not knowing who I was anymore.

I was humbled. Returning to the Father wasn’t easy. First I had to recognize my condition, my reality. I had to open up to people I trusted and confess what was going on. That, itself was hard. It was people who I thought were going to judge me, and because of that I went some time feeling so alone and isolated.  I needed that support and the help so badly that I no longer cared. I needed the help.

It was because of my transparency with them that has allowed me to run into the Father’s arms, again. 

He was waiting for me. When I returned, He was there to greet me and dress me in new garments of: purity, worth, and identity. It was then that I realized that His love for me never stopped regardless of the things I did or how I walked away from Him, rebelliously.

He was the first to greet me. He will always be the first one. 

Image result for oh how great is your love for me verse

I Say This To You

God loves you. There is nothing  you have done or could ever do that will get Him to stop loving you. When God sees you, He never sees the impurities, or mistakes. He sees the blood of His son that was shed for you.

He wants you to know that it’s ok. Come to Him as you are. Never will He push you away, leave you or abandone you. That’s a promise. You’re the apple of His eye and His best creation. You’re His child…

… and YOU ARE SO LOVED!

 

COMPLETLEY BY LEDGER

You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
I don’t have to hide when Your with me
The best, the worst
I know You never leave
It steals my breath away
When You lift my face and say
Who I was, who I am, and who I’ll be
Has been claimed I am Your eternally
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
You have called new life up from the dust
Faithful even though I’ve given up
You take the chaos that’s in me
And You create a symphony
From who I was, who I am, and who I’ll be
I am changed, I am Yours eternally
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
All I am is forever Yours
Everything I’ve been living for
All I am is forever Yours
You have my heart, my soul
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One