“If I Begin To Dream Again…”

FREEDOM

Written by:
Stephanie Ann Pequeño
July 14, 2020
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If I begin to dream again will my reality fade away? If I were to wonder far behind what I can see, would my reality fade away?
Day after day, like a deer in the headlights, am I. I am paralyzed by insecurity and chained down my fears. My head remains downcast; a heavy slam to my soul.
If I begin to dream again will my reality fade away? If I were to wonder far behind what I can see, would my reality fade away?
Who have I become, bedsides courage less. Who have I become, besides one who crumbles under pressure?
I have become a warrior who has seen and felt many things and still rises to fight. I have been made strong through the countless moments of weakness & despair. And after enduring the sting of my foolish acts, I have become more wise.
If I begin to dream again will my reality fade away? If I were to wonder far behind what I can see, would my reality fade away?
Yes, now my eyes can see. For it’s always been You with me. The world ahead is ready for me to grasp the wonders of His plan for me. Though I walk through valleys of shadows, and though the reality stays the same, it is no longer my mine to own.
I look onward; no longer a slave.

14 Romantic Rose Photos - Corel Discovery CenterStory Behind The Poem

After so many silent months, I am finally opening up. This poem came to me as a reminder of the freedom that comes when we begin to dream again. So many things have come to my life that have just suppressed those dreams and goals.

It had left me feeling that I no longer have purpose and so desperate for a way out.

These past few months I have been learning to really let go, dealing with things that were hidden.

This poem is a kind of declaration- a reminder that when we stop looking at our reality and on towards dreams, goals, hopes… freedom begins. It’s also determination to finally rise out of the pit of isolation and really live, again. 

The chains will fall. All doubts will fade. Fear will become an unfamiliar friend. 

 

After the hardships, the setbacks, LOSS and heartbreaks… this remains TRUE:

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”- Romans 8:28

 




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Wanted

This blog post was written back in April. I have finally felt led to share it, as my new "perspective" on my journey fits in. I have come a long way since this post and I am truly thankful to God. My experiences have led me to truly wait on God and his timing for everything, especially when it comes to Him brining the right person and people in my life. It was said, "God sees the heart of the people. When we wait on God, we are set up for success."- Marcela Page 
She was referring to relationships founded on God. That word was for me. -Stephanie

The Truth

I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know what to say… for the first time I feel a block, as if something within me doesn’t want me to share what has been happening in my life. Loss. I seem to be familiar with this lately. I have cried out to God and asked Him why He has allowed me to go through so much loss and different types at that. I don’t understand.

I have been an emotional mess, trying to go in every direction; away from God. It’s left me broken.

Abandoned

I have been feeling this for awhile now. I have cried for my husband and even wondered why he would want to leave me. Anger arose within me and I just lashed out at him as if he could hear me. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to come back to me.

That’s something I haven’t felt until recently. These past few months I realized just how much my husband loved me, cherished me and appreciated me and it only made me miss him even more. It made me wish he was still here, so that I could appreciate him that much more.

Every loss I have experienced in my life has left me feeling abandoned or unwanted. Why? Because I have always placed my dependency on them. I made them my source of happiness, comfort and companionship and when they were gone, it always left me wandering: “What am I going to do now?”

Being abandoned, pushed to the side or enduring a type of loss does not mean you’re unwanted or not good enough.

Lies

The feeling of not being good enough can shrink you so low. I know this, well. Since my husband passed away I have been struggling with my identity; who I am without him. I was the one he cherished, encouraged and reminded who they were, constantly. He was my affirmation…

August 29, 2019

…Being without him made me feel lost, because when he was still here I knew where we were heading and I knew my place. After he left, I wasn’t so sure anymore… until the past couple months when I left the place that was “familiar.”

I am seeing God move in my life in so many ways, ways that I was beginning to think would not happen anymore. I had to step out in faith and allow Him to lead me to, “the land that He would show me.” I didn’t know what the outcome would be. I didn’t have all the details. I just knew it was time to go, and I went. 

 

A New Perspective

Referring back to the beginning of this blog; feeling abandoned, feeling not wanted… the enemy painted a picture in my head that had me depressed for awhile. I was beginning to believe that I was abandoned by my husband. That he wanted to leave me, that he chose to leave me alone. I felt not good enough, all over again. I was beginning wonder what was so wrong about me that I continued to lose people.

How wrong and twisted my thinking had been.

I Feel To Share This:

I know so many others feel this way. Especially those who have lost loved ones due to suicide. (Though I don’t know what that feels like, I wanted to tell you… it wasn’t your fault. You are wanted. You are loved. You are someone that others want to be around.)

As someone who suffered with suicidal thoughts, it was more about how low, unworthy, not good enough I felt, than it was to hurt those who cared about me. It was about how I no longer wanted to feel the way I did. 

God knows who needed to read that. He loves you!

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Things have been happening around me that has allowed me to see something new. I once heard a pastor say that it’s easier to lose (to death) a spouse than it is to be separated from them and constantly seeing them. When my husband passed away it wasn’t his choice. I know that he didn’t want to leave me; as he said it right before the stroke happened. Believing that has been making the healing process that much easier, though it hurts and I still have my moments. (I find myself right here, this week.) 

I have been a witness and have experienced being on the other side of the disrespect and someone choosing to hurt me, push me to the side and abandon me at my lowest. I believe things like that hurt so much more because they choose to do it and because it was in their minds; hearts to do such things.

Healing is coming to my heart because I am understanding that my husband didn’t have a choice to leave me. It was God’s will for it to happen the way it did. We had no choice. 

Knowing this truth, is brining comfort while removing the doubt, anger and the “whys.” I am beginning to move on and slowly feeling less and less guilty for it. It was not my choice, either. It was something that had to be done, though.

Knowing this truth is allowing me to accept God’s love. It’s helping me believe that I am good enough and that I am wanted. It’s allowing me to believe that His goodness for my life is true and that in due time I will see His promises finally unfold.

I no longer wonder, “why?!”

I no longer look at where I was and say, “I can’t believe…”

I no longer look at myself through eyes of widowhood, but of a single woman who has been blessed with a brand new start. 

I will be enjoying this journey and wait for God’s timing for a new a blessed relationship… I am worthy of every good thing. 

Alone

I take a look at where I am right now. Tears fill my eyes and my heart with gratitude. I am feeling brand new; free. This journey of being alone, with you, a challenging one it’s been. I have fought. I have cried. I have questioned Your motives for my life, yet you continue to prove Yourself faithful in my life. This road ahead of me, I cannot see the finish line; the destination I so desire. I am moving forward with You by my side fully trusting Your lead. As we walk, I look up at You trying to understand where it is You are leading me to. I am afraid. I am scared of what I do not know. You stand there holding my hand, reminding me that with You by my side good things will come.

Road Trip

This weekend has been a big deal for me. I embarked on my first solo road trip. Months ago plans were made, but God being a good God chose to break the plans I, myself had made.

There was something about going on a trip that sat so well with my soul. It as if God was telling me to, “go.” I made the plans and followed through. I was nervous, I was scared. Of course, I was already beginning to overthink everything.

How am I going to do that? How is the road going to be? What if this? What if that?

Time and time again I have learned that I am able to do a lot of things once I am in the process of doing them. I mean, no one knows what they are capable of doing until they finally get up and do it. They then realize it wasn’t as bad as the lies were telling them. 

I have always been afraid of driving in unfamiliar places, because I never wanted to get lost, alone. Thank God for GPS.

But that’s not what made this trip a pleasant one. It was the very fact that I was alone with God. It was our very first road trip alone, together. I invited Him along and asked Him to watch over me in the process. I felt confident. I felt a new kind of freedom. A new sense of independency.

On the drive to where I was going, I spoke to Him. I opened my heart and shared with Him everything that was still hurting. I let out emotions, feelings, offenses and so on. I cried, I smiled… I had peace. I was happy that I was doing this alone. I needed that one on one time with my Papa.

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Never Alone

While away, I was sharing with my best friend how I have never really been alone. When I met my husband, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. Soon after that break up, me and Freddy started our friendship. We hung out together and with mutual friends. It was him that helped me overcome what I was facing at the time.

We then got closer and it grew into a relationship. I never really had a season of singleness. At that time, God knew I needed Freddy. God used him in a big way, in my life.

Singleness

After awhile of being in a new relationship, I am back at being single. This time it has left me feeling so broken, so pressed down. It’s definitely not what I wanted (being broken up), but needed. God has been showing me who I am, single.

I am being broken from the need of being dependent on someone. He is teaching me how much more I am capable of on my own, with Him. He is giving me this new sense of freedom, that I have never had in my life.

I went from one relationship to the other because of the fear of being alone. 

For the past 8 years and 4 months, I never went anywhere alone. If I didn’t have someone to go with, I wouldn’t go. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of fear.

So, me being so willing and determined to go on this trip by myself, was a huge deal for me and who I am now becoming.

Autophobia

  • the fear of being alone. (Click on the word fear.)

I never knew it was so bad until my husband passed away and this recent break up. I didn’t realize how much I depended on the company of someone to feel safe, whole, secure and so on, until it was no longer there.

The harder I tried to have someone around, the more empty and insecure I would feel. Anxiety was becoming a problem again. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t enjoy anything. It was starting to hurt being around people. Depression was already making itself in, again.

It wasn’t until God finally had me alone, that I was able to finally see how big the problem was.

We cannot overcome something until we clearly see what the root of it is.

So many tears have been shed. So many silent screams have been released to finally be where I am at right now. Yes, I still have a long ways to go. I still struggle with being alone, without a physical companion. I get frustrated because I want what I want and don’t have it.

God Withholds What We Want

… to give us what we need.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord.

What we want and what God desires for us, will never go hand in hand. They will always collide and either we surrender to God’s perfect and pleasing will (Romans 12:2), or our own fleshly desires. Truth is, only one leads to blessings, while the other just leads to destruction.

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I have a lot of experience with this, than I want to admit. So many “lessons learned,” so many, “Lord, I finally get it,” and many, many of these; “never again!” 

All the things that have happened recently have all been things that were consequences of me following my own desires…

A New Kind of Loss

In the month of March, I experienced my very first miscarriage. It’s something that I am still going through and grieving. For awhile I was trying to push it to the side as if it didn’t happen, because of the break up that happen not too long after.

That’s where the sense of abandonment & loneliness started taking a toll on me.

That’s where the road of brokenness began to lead to the road of a whole new kind of freedom for my life.

This pregnancy came as a huge surprise. It was unexpected. When I found out that I was, it was so exciting and we were so happy, but then something changed. So many negative emotions came in like a flood and I was feeling afraid of what people would think.

I wasn’t married. My husband had just passed away…I was afraid.

There is something about the words, “You’re having a miscarriage,” that brings in a whole new kind of grief; especially since being a mom has always been my greatest desire. All this literally left me questioning God’s goodness for my life. The joy of finding out that I was going to be a mom, to devastating reality that there was no longer a baby. I have to accept that it was not a part of God’s plan for my life, yet.

No one knows what that is like, unless they’ve been through it. Women and men handle these things differently, it showed in my case.

I felt alone. I felt like I couldn’t be upset about it. I was made to feel like I couldn’t really show my emotions, so I didn’t really grieve until after the breakup. I was dealing with both at the same time, along with the loss of my husband.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am just now standing back up. 

Road Trip and Miscarriage?

Without one, there wouldn’t be the other. It was because of everything that has happened, that I went away for a couple days. It was the push I needed to step out of my comfort zone.

I needed to get away from the familiar and do something new. Even in this, God led me to confront a part of my past. On this road trip, I had to pass a town where I once lived and experienced a lot of pain and brokenness.

It was the relationship there, that led me to God. I guess I still had some hidden anxiety about passing through and this time alone. On the way back, it wasn’t so bad. I passed through with a new sense of confidence.

It’s something that I know God will lead me to do regarding Stanford!! I’ve pleaded with Him and have said, “NO.” God is having me “pass” through places I have felt the most pain, the most abandoned and where I have experienced the most loss, to set me free. 

As much as I don’t want to, I know it’s necessary. I know I will not be going through it alone. Here is why:

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. -Isaiah 43:2

This is my reality right now. This is the road to my healing and restoration. It’s been hard to surrender to God and his plan for my life. I have been fighting and been so determined to not allow what I feel or going through to overtake me anymore.

Everybody’s journey is different. God deals with everyone differently; in ways that are right for them. Some are more harsh than others, but it’s because He knows how to get through to the hardest of hearts. 

God does not cause bad things to happen, but He does allow them. Most of the time it’s the misuse of our free will that opens doors to things to happen…then we blame God. 

I can’t blame God for what has happened, because I knew better, but I have anyway because I was avoiding the reality of my actions.

Even then God is merciful and still loving. I have been seeing it in my life. Not a day has gone by that He has not loved me or not wanted the best for my life. I finally see that.

Prodigal Daughter

I ran away from God to do what I thought was the best for me. I opened doors to things that He had already set me free from to make things happen in my own time. It left me broken. It left me confused. It left me not knowing who I was anymore.

I was humbled. Returning to the Father wasn’t easy. First I had to recognize my condition, my reality. I had to open up to people I trusted and confess what was going on. That, itself was hard. It was people who I thought were going to judge me, and because of that I went some time feeling so alone and isolated.  I needed that support and the help so badly that I no longer cared. I needed the help.

It was because of my transparency with them that has allowed me to run into the Father’s arms, again. 

He was waiting for me. When I returned, He was there to greet me and dress me in new garments of: purity, worth, and identity. It was then that I realized that His love for me never stopped regardless of the things I did or how I walked away from Him, rebelliously.

He was the first to greet me. He will always be the first one. 

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I Say This To You

God loves you. There is nothing  you have done or could ever do that will get Him to stop loving you. When God sees you, He never sees the impurities, or mistakes. He sees the blood of His son that was shed for you.

He wants you to know that it’s ok. Come to Him as you are. Never will He push you away, leave you or abandone you. That’s a promise. You’re the apple of His eye and His best creation. You’re His child…

… and YOU ARE SO LOVED!

 

COMPLETLEY BY LEDGER

You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
I don’t have to hide when Your with me
The best, the worst
I know You never leave
It steals my breath away
When You lift my face and say
Who I was, who I am, and who I’ll be
Has been claimed I am Your eternally
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
You have called new life up from the dust
Faithful even though I’ve given up
You take the chaos that’s in me
And You create a symphony
From who I was, who I am, and who I’ll be
I am changed, I am Yours eternally
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
All I am is forever Yours
Everything I’ve been living for
All I am is forever Yours
You have my heart, my soul
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One

I Don’t Want To Be.

I don’t know where to begin. Words have gone and all I have are thoughts; thoughts that silence me, no words to flow from my lips. I plot in my own mind how I will react to the next one, my heart just hardens. This person, I don’t want to be. This person, is no longer me, yet I am being pushed to it. I think I am getting stronger. Capable to endure whatever comes my way: words, actions… but in reality I am just shutting down and becoming numb.

Emotionally drained; I cant do it anymore. The cares to give are starting to become no more.

I Am Not Myself

I see myself in him. I see how I was and I don’t like it. All that is being reminded to me is; we reap what we sow.

The one person that truly cared about me, I made so many mistakes with. I see it clearly now. My heart hurts and I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could ask my husband for forgiveness. I wish I can have a do-over.

I hate the person I am seeing; in myself. I hate the person who I am not… I have to fight to keep my feelings from being hurt. I have to fight to keep myself up. I fight to protect myself… something I no longer had to do. I feel like as soon as my husband died, I reverted to that guarded girl. That girl no one was going to hurt… someone I don’t want to be; emotionless.

I am guarded and I hate it.

So many things cause a person to change who they are; into who they used to be or who they never were.

I feel myself fighting to NOT become who I used to be; this cold and careless person. A person with a hard heart and not caring about anything; a fiery cannon of a mouth. That’s not who I am anymore.

Lately specific things and circumstances have caused me to lash out and be on the defense when all I really desire is to feel safe. There is no safe place there, yet… I shouldn’t have to wait for one to be, in order for me to remain who I truly am.

 

I am not alone. God is with me. 

I am not who they say I am or how I think of myself. God loves me. 

I shouldn’t be afraid of winding up alone. God will never leave me or forsake me. 

 

Therefore nothing or no one should make me feel a way that I don’t want to feel.

I want to care.

When I think about my husband, I remember how he would always call out the best in me. I remember how he would always remind me of who I truly am. I remember how he just loved me even when I was wrong. I remember his patience for me and how much it helped me.

There are times I can just hear his voice; him telling me things to encourage me. That’s what has kept me going on those days I feel SO ENADEQUATE due to words and actions.

 

I AM NOT HOW OTHERS TREAT ME.

I AM NOT WHAT OTHERS THINK OR SAY.

 

How I have seen myself lately, has been through eyes of not being good enough and through the eyes of comparison. It has distorted my identity and has really shaken my confidence. It’s like I am being made to feel small, but God says I am seated in Heavenly places.

My heart… is the wellspring of life. It’s also something I have been fighting to protect. When this whole time, I could have just allowed God to protect it. I am the prodigal “daughter”… I have run away. I desire to return; into the Father’s arms, in my rightful place. 

 

My Prayer

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A man should always protect the delicate heart of a woman, ALWAYS.

Not The Same

Not The Same

As the days have drawn near to Christmas, my emotions have been like a rollercoaster. I have felt the ups and definitely the downs. Today was just not the same.

My day started with going to service. Today was actually the Christmas service; although it was a great one and I saw a friend who I hadn’t seen in a long time & my heart was filled with so much joy when I saw him, but it was just not the same.

I am not the only one who felt my husband’s absence. I am not the only one who knew it wasn’t the same.

To top it off it was my mother in-laws birthday today.

Looking at her face while a little boy was playing his violin in front of the congregation, I knew we were both feeling the exact same thing. We were missing him. I just kept thinking about her and what she must have been feeling; her son no longer here and it being the first birthday that she was not greeted by him.

With tears running down my face, I write this blog.

No one knows the emptiness we carry in our hearts… one that only God can fill.

I Know The Plans…

When I look back at all this and begin to doubt or not understand, all I hear is; “I know the plans I have for you.” I hear it in my heart. I hear it in a preaching… I just hear it over and over; like today.

Slowly I am starting to see it. I am starting to understand things after having confronted them. I have had to stare my husband’s death in the face and allow God to heal me. I had to relive those painful memories over and over until they no longer tormented me.

The other day I had to relive that painful moment where I was texting everybody to let them know that; “Freddy just passed away.” I remembered and felt how I did that very moment. I just started crying and immediately tried to think of something else, but I couldn’t. I had to replay that over and over until it no longer hurt me.

That’s what I mean when I say I have had to confront a lot of things…

From my experience, it is necessary to relive such things in order for healing to come into your life. We make the mistake of thinking that it’s not necessary. Some people can’t handle it and choose to bury it deep down inside, not realizing that it’s causing them harm. To not confront something head on, is to leave a door open for something to get worse. Nothing ever gets better by avoiding the problem. 

There were so many things I was running away from. I was running away from all this pain, instead of allowing God help me through it. I was becoming like the Prodigal Son. I ran away from home to do what I thought was best for me:

Hanging out with new people. Going to a new church. Doing things that I normally didn’t do… and so on. It was a lie trying to keep me from dealing with the real problem inside.

Me running away only lasted so long until I felt God tell me to “come” back home. (My home church.) I had been visiting another church after thinking it was what I was led to do. I was wrong.

Slowly depression was creeping in. It was on a Monday; during prayer at my home church that I felt God tell me this:

“The only way you are going to win this battle is under your covering.”-God

I knew exactly what He meant. The week before I had been feeling so drained and so unprotected against everything I was going through. I was feeling so alone I was becoming vulnerable and spiritually weak. After prayer I left feeling covered; protected by God.

I no longer felt alone, but that I was in my right place. I was with the right, “army,” for this battle. 

I have been noticing a complete change in my life; my attitude and mentality. I am maturing; I am growing. I have surrendered everything to God and have been allowing Him into my life, to be that friend I am longing for; that friend I lost when my husband passed away.

For someone to hold on to this promise: “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future…” requires so much faith. It’s like I have jumped off the cliff with the assurance that He will catch me. And He has been. 

The Ultimate Promise

I have made God so many promises and not kept most of them; but this one I have even though it’s been so hard!!! Since day one of my walk with Him, I promised God over and over that:

No matter what I faced or no matter what came against me; I wouldn’t give up or let go. That I was willing to go through whatever it took to be where He wanted me to be and have all that He had planned for me.

It has not been easy and He knows there have been times I wanted to walk away.. but it was because of my relationship with my husband that kept me there.

No matter what I have faced or will face, I know I am the house that has been built on the Rock and not the sand.

Therefore these storms that have been coming at my life… cannot knock me down.

He is with me; I will not fall.

<3

On days like today, I miss you. When emotions rise I turn around and realize you are no longer there. Tears fall from my eyes and I am reminded of the pain I still have within. A lot has changed. A lot has been taken. A lot, I am still adjusting to. I miss you. How I wish to express to you all that I am going through; the excitements, the joys, the ups, the downs. Lonely it can feel, but I know I am not.

I missed you yesterday, I miss you today and I will miss you tomorrow.

Story Behind The Poem

Today was an emotional day, if I am being completely honest. I was feeling really alone, down about mistakes I have been making (on my first two days in my new job) and I had been missing my husband.

Yesterday, I had such a good time at my new job, that on my lunch break, as soon as I got into my car, my first thought was; “I am going to text babe and tell him how my day is going.” I immediately remembered how I can no longer do that. It made me so sad.

For the past eight years, he had been the one I would go to, telling him about the kind of day I had. On days like today, I was reminded of what he would be telling me. I was sitting in my car at lunch and tears just began to fall down my face. God reminded me of what He would place in my husband’s heart to tell me.

Things like:

“You are an amazing woman. You’re smart and you will figure things out. I know things will get better. You can do this. I am so proud of you!”  

I couldn’t help but cry. I needed to let what I was feeling out. I went back from lunch feeling so better and stronger. I needed that encouragement from God at that moment.

A Lot To Get Used To

There is still a lot that I am learning to do on my own. There are a lot of things I am now doing on my own, and sometimes it scares me, but God has shown me that I have been more than capable to handle everything I am now going through.

I have been blessed with a job that I am really enjoying. He put everything into place for me. His promises for me are manifesting, without me having to do anything, but absolutely trust Him and continue to seek Him. I am truly grateful for all He is doing and has been doing for me and around me.

I am now learning to run to God, the way I used to run to my husband. I am learning to express to Him how my day has been, what I am feeling and allowing Him to speak words of encouragement into me, the way my husband would. He is my everything and I need to begin really opening myself up to Him. After all, He is ALWAYS here with me.

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I Am Growing

As a seed is planted and the plant begins to break ground spring forth, so am I at the moment. God’s promises of who I am meant to be are beginning to spring forth, breaking ground; breaking through old ways, habits, old characteristics, etc.

Because it has to do with the flesh, it hurts. God is springing forth new things; courage, strength, boldness, confidence, new identity, new capabilities… a brand new me. It’s the season of growth.

Embracing Widowhood

I have been learning to embrace widowhood and allow God to use me in this area. I have been learning how to cope with grief and what’s been happening. I have been clinging to God like never before, and I have been seeing Him in my life, like never before. I have been encountering God in a brand new way, in ways that proves He is so real. (I have already known that.) It’s been a revelation in a whole new way.

After my husbands death, God manifested Himself. He become more real than ever.

Love Notes

What I have been truly missing are the little love notes my husband used to randomly place around the house. It was so special to me when I would find a note that had been sitting in that spot for days until I finally found it. Things like that meant so much to me. It was such a loving gesture from my husband to remind me of how much he loved me and how he felt about me.

Lately, God has been doing the same thing, but in a different way. He has been randomly sending me “Love Notes,” when I need them most. He has been using people to send me scriptures, cards and notes. He has been reminding me of how much He loves me, how He is always here with me and for me. He has also reminded me that things will get better and how He is watching over me.

This was the recent “love note,” He sent me through someone.

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and the sorrows of widowhood.

For your Creator will be your husband;
the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the God of all the earth.

– Isaiah 54:4-5

Like I didn’t have to work for my husband’s love and affection, I don’t have to work for God’s perfect love and affection. It has taken me a really long time to accept that, but recently it’s been a lot easier. I guess it’s because my heart first had to be broken and made new, in order to receive all that He is doing in my life right now.

Whatever He is doing in my life, I have accepted it. I have learned to back down and just surrender. With all this, I lost my fight; fighting for my own ways, fighting for what I think is right for my life. Only God knows what I need and the best ways for me to go. I’ve surrendered.

 

Self-Love

self-love
noun: self-love
regard for one’s own well-being and happiness

 

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Self-love is important to overcoming grief.

Be patient with yourself.

Love yourself. -Stephanie

 

I wrote that today.

It was a reminder that it’s going to take some time. It’s going to take me being patient with myself and knowing that it’s ok for me to feel what I feel, when I feel it in order to fully heal. It’s knowing that I don’t have to stay in what I feel and that I have a way out of it. My way out is, God.  

It’s a reminder that I need to love myself how I am, the brokenness and all. Because that’s how He loves me.  It’s a reminder that I am human and I don’t have it all together.

God never expects any of us to have it all together, that’s why there is a need for Him. 

COME TO ME AS YOU ARE. -GOD

 

No Other Choice

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I have always liked this quote, but now it has a more profound meaning to my life. Life has thrown me out of my comfort zone with NO choice, but to fight through the storms of: anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, fear, isolation and so much more.

When I say fight, I don’t mean on my own. I mean, not allowing myself to stay stuck in those places. I mean dealing with them without my husband around anymore. Without him comforting me like he used to. I had to learn to do it alone, with God.

Going backwards and falling into those traps was NOT an option for me, so strong is what I had to be an honestly, how I am handling things… I am manifesting a strength I never knew I had. I am doing things I never though I could or would ever do.

That takes special strength; that comes from God. Only God.

 

Song of The Season

Give Me Faith by Elevation Worship

 

 

The Life I Knew

When I close my eyes all I can see is the chaos around me. I am reminded of the pain I feel and the brokenness within. I cried out to You; all I could say was, “I am broken.” Emotions going wild, feeling so many things at once. You have been my stability. You have been my comfort. You have been the only safe place for me to run. It hurts. How long will it last? My life at the moment is me here and You on the other side of this current hell. I am scared. I am alone. One step in front of the other; You’ve given me the courage to move. As I step on this narrow road, there are no safe rails. The only sure thing is You. One step after another I draw closer to you. Things rise up attempting to keep my eyes off of you. Anxiety attacks, but You shield me and I am no longer afraid. I am walking towards You alone, apart of me has gone. My breakthrough is coming. I know You will see it through. I trust You.

Life Alone

The last thing I want to be doing is writing. The last thing I want to be doing is planning a Celebration Service. Lately I have found myself doing things I don’t want to me doing, or I never thought I would be doing.

I have been sharing my journey about my husband stroke and believing for God to manifest a miracle. He did, just not how we prayed for. My husband went to be with God almost a week ago and I can’t begin to express what I have been feeling.

I have felt shocked. I have felt scared. I have felt alone and I have felt angry. I have cried out to God telling Him this isn’t how things should be! I never expected to be a widow, now. I didn’t expect for my life to be broken this way.

As days go by I am getting stronger, still it stings. My life partner taken away, when all my faith and hope was in him getting better here. Doubt began creeping in and I felt myself having a hard time believing what God said or has been saying. I felt cheated out of so much, especially out of a marriage. I guess I still feel angry, but I am surrendering it to God. I don’t want a bitter heart towards Him. He is the only one who has been strengthening me during this difficult time.

The Shock

My husband going to be with the Lord, left us all in shock. Some of us taking it harder than others. I am definitely one of them. He was my best friend. The one person I had been able to open up to and who had been there for me for the past eight years! Taken! The one who helped me walk with God. The one who was a big part of my spiritual growth… simply… my BEST FRIEND. I felt lost. I still do, to be honest.

Last Sunday, I felt myself in a state of panic. I was crying and felt as though I was going insane. The enemy has been using the reality of it all to torment me. It wasn’t until I heard God lead me to say certain things out loud; helping me to accept the reality.

“He is no longer here, he is now in Heaven. I am no longer going to see him here at home. I won’t see him when I go to bed and when I wake up. I will do things without him and there will be things that will remind me of him. There will be moments when I will think about him, but he will not be here. I am planning his service and I will be ok.”

These are some of the things God led me to say out loud. Once I did, I felt a peace come over me and an acceptance of my current reality. The enemy had me in a faze, keeping me from accepting it and every time I would snap out of it, I would remember and just breakdown.

I had to disappear a few times while my family was over to just cry and pray. Loss, especially of your spouse is HARD. My supposed to be life partner. We were supposed to do life together. We were supposed to serve God together. We were supposed to do so much more than we did!! That makes me angry, and it hurts. 

Writing

The very thing that brought me joy and the very thing that I have loved to do, had now become the very thing I didn’t want to do. It was my husbands joy to read my blogs and anything I wrote. I can still here his words of affirmation and how my blog blessed him. This is the first blog, where I now know he is no longer here. I won’t be able to ask him, “Babe did you read my blog? What did you think?”

I still remember the first time I showed him a writing of mine. He was the only person I had ever shown. I trust him with everything. He was my truest best friend, in my entire life. That’s what hurts me the most, not having that anymore.

Writing reminds me of him, but all my writings for God. More than ever, I know I need to keep writing and share what I am going through, because I am not the only one going through such things. It hurts. Again, it’s the last thing I want to be doing, among a few other things.

I want to write and let out everything I feel, until I am no longer broken, until I am no longer hurting, until I no longer shed a tear; until I can finally think of my love and just smile.

His Heart & Life

My husband always had a heart for God and for people. His character, his personality… there isn’t a person who wasn’t impacted by the person he was. He gave his life to serve God and others.

He helped me in  many ways. I didn’t know until recently, that when he and I met, he was determined to help me and help me walk and grow in God. He literally did. He was my first real friend there, when I began attending the church. He knew all my secrets. He knew my past. He knew everything about me, yet he still loved me; unconditionally. Through him, God poured out his real love into my life. I knew acceptance, and I knew worth.

My husband has been used by God to bring healing and restoration and to show me that a woman could be respected, loved and truly cherished. I have been thinking about that lately and I have realized that through my husband, God set a standard for me on how I should be treated and see myself. He has shown me who I am and my worth. It has taught me to no longer feel the need to depend on another man, like I used to.

He has given me the courage to want only Him. He has healed that part of my life. He has strengthened me and set my true identity into motion. I don’t need another relationship to feel whole. I just need God.

I was my love’s first love. He waited on God for me. That I will always cherish. There is a quote I recently seen and it made me think of him. He would tell me how God told him I was the one. He was and will always be that special man to me.

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A Widow, But Not

The first thing that hit me hard was, “I am a widow. I am alone.” I took that pretty hard. I lost my best friend. The life I knew, immediately shaken and broken… until I received a revelation.

Jesus is the ultimate GROOM. I am His bride. I am not alone. 

I made a promise to myself that I want to live with the same kind of heart my husband had. I want a heart after God’s and for people. I want to honor my husband like that. That’s something he taught me. That’s something he imparted to me. That’s something that helped me grow in God and find that healing and restoration. I want to be able to do that for others. To be able to love them past their flaws, their past and help them see who they are in God and how God sees them.

He would always tell me how God sees me and he would live it out until I started believing it. Love was the hardest thing to accept, yet he was always patient with me. That’s what helped me open up more and more.

That’s how God is with us.

His love is patient… it never ceases and never gives up. 

 

 

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Best Friends since 2010. Love of my life since then.        Alfredo Hernandez Jr. April 16, 1979-August 31, 2018          I love you babe. See you later! 

God looked around his garden
And found and empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth,
and he saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering,
He knew that you would never get
well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb.
So He closed your weary eyelids,
and whispered “Peace be thine.”
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

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He is rejoicing with God, now. He is healed and free from sickness. He is finally worshipping God with so much freedom. That makes me happy. I know as days go by I will be stronger and ready to face new adventures, together with God.-Stephanie

Life As We See It

“Life as we see it. They say that believing is seeing, but what we cannot see are the things beneath.
We walk around, with smile on our faces pretending that everything is all right. We fool those around us, but yet deep inside we know the truth. There’s someone who knows what no one else can see. The only One who cannot be fooled.

I stare at you and wonder many things. How can you let it go on? You fooled me once, you’ve fooled me twice. This time around I will not be fooled. Maybe I didn’t want to see what’s been there in front of me. I don’t know how to deal with what I dread. I hate seeing those I love sick. Sickness is a curse that I wish never existed.

I ask myself, “when will this end?” For it’s desperation that I feel within. Trips like these are never fun. I spent too much time in these hospital walls. It’s this very place I last seen my mom, those years ago.

Stop letting this happen, stop putting me through this. For life as we see it, is coming to an end. I hold on to the hope that things will get better. For I have no other choice than to believe that He will turn it around for good and all this will end. I say I have no choice, because believing is better than dying in fear, in anxiety.

So life as we see it will end. For a brand new day will come to us, who’ve waited.”- …Heart Of Grace

Sitting here in the hospital now, I don’t know how I feel. I have dealt with the loss of my mother. I lost her to a sickness’ named diabetes, cancer and stroke. I didn’t have much of a grieving period, for I was strengthened by God during that time. But I found myself crying out for my mom yesterday morning. I woke up from a dream where I was in DESPERATE need to talk to her. I’m reflecting back and realizing it’s because before she died I was angry at her. I wasn’t talking to her and before she died, she had called me, but I didn’t answer. God knows how much I regreted that. I remember thinking maybe if I would have answered her call she would still be here or that I was being taught a lesson. God doesn’t work like that.

Only God knows how I wish I could turn back time, to change how I was with my mom. I wish I had time to tell her I loved her.

I guess being here in the hospital, again with my husband and seeing him go through all this makes me hate this place and what sickness does to a person.

I don’t know how to deal with it, being a wife who has a husband with health problems, this is new to me. It’s easier for me to be angry, than sympathetic. I just hate it.

It’s a journey I’m on, but alone I’m not. God has promised to be with me and help me through it. He doesn’t cause this. Sickness isn’t from him.

I rather believe that things will get better and have peace, than to fear and be anxious…