Who Am I?!

I have been so angry. A type of anger that has locked me inside of doubt, insecurity and kept me thinking that I am alone. Today I let myself fall to the ground; I was tired. You know how hard I have been fighting to keep my head afloat. I have picked myself up many times before, but I could not do it again. My only Hope is in You; I need you all over again.

I Don’t Know Who I Am

Just a few years ago I was a wife, devoted to serving in God’s how with my husband, then out of nowhere I became a widow. I was lost, I was confused and the one thing I thought I needed was to run away and start again.

It’s funny because life has a way of reminding us that our own plans always fail. 

I have taken so many wrong turns. I have been dealing with consequences of my actions, lately. I have fallen, but the only thing keeping me above the surface, is Him; my trust in Him… the relationship I still managed to keep.

Today I was reflecting on my life and how many things I have gone through in just a short time.

I feel robbed of grieving time. I have moments where I wish I could just cry and be alone when I need to be. I happen to catch myself feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. I grew tired of the pain and memories, that I locked them away.

After my husband died, I realized a part of me died. I didn’t know this, until God began revealing to me something. For a long time I kept thinking about and seeing visions of the hospital where my husband passed away at. I have been thinking of the very small and lonely waiting room that I would pray and wait for good news. I have been thinking of how I felt when I was there. I remember just the pain, the fear and the loneliness of it all…

“The moment Freddy passed away, is the moment you lost a part of yourself.” 

A part of me died that day and I have not gotten it back. I cried so much today. God revealed to me a lot of anger and pain I had against Him. He showed me something so deep, something I never really thought about, but just happened.

After my husband died I became angry at God. A root took place in my mind that contaminated my heart. I began believing that God would never do anything good for me. After all, He didn’t answer my prayer regarding my husband…

A Broken Mother

In less than two years, I have gone through two miscarriages.

I recently asked myself… why has God allowed me to go through so much loss?

After many years of dwelling on this, it only began to bug me this last weekend. For the past thirteen years I have been the only one in my family without kids. I never thought twice about it. I would always just say, “Not yet.”

To this day I continue to respond the same, but it is no longer true. I do have kids. In Heaven. My last miscarriage hurt so much more than the first. (I was seven weeks and saw my baby in an ultrasound.)

What hurt the most was… the same day as my first ultra-sound I started going through the miscarriage. I lost my baby that same night.

I remember laying in bed in so much pain and crying out to God, asking Him to save my baby and allow me to hold my baby… after praying that I placed my hands on my stomach and felt the last contraction… my baby had come out.

At the time I didn’t realize what I was holding in a piece of toilet paper was not just blood clots, but my precious baby. Through a picture I had taken, I got to see how their body was beginning to form; their hands, feet, legs…

how I wish I was about to meet my baby. 

I Feel Like Job

Though not as drastic as his life, I have endured a lot of loss. My life has gone off track a bit, but in my heart has been the desire to realign with His will for my life. One thing is, writing a lot more. He has already sent people to confirm that I need to get back on it.

I have so much to share, I am just not sure in what order. What I wrote today was what has been in my heart so much and the very thing that God is needing to confront. I cannot keep avoiding these painful memories and expect healing and freedom.


 

Best miscarriage Quotes, Status, Shayari, Poetry & Thoughts ...

I am a mother, though I do not have my children near. 

I am a mother, though my pregnancies were cut short.

I am a mother, for I carried life in my womb. 

I am a mother, though I do not feel it.

 

 

 

 


 

Whoever I now am, I am still trying to figure out. Whoever it is; a widow, a mother…or just a daughter, I know I will be stronger because I have experienced them all. I know that He will take what was meant to hurt me and turn into something amazing. Whoever I am becoming, I know the journey will be worth it.

I trust Him.

 

Up, Again

I look at myself, “who is this I now see?”  Tears fall from my eyes and I can’t help but weep. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten Whos I am… I have felt drained. There have been days when all I could do was cry out for You to carry me. My legs below me, weak as they could be. I am tired…

Photographs

Pictures say more than words can say; “A thousand words,” to be exact.

I have this habit of looking through old photos on my phone. Every time I do I see something different in myself. There is sadness some days and the next there is a completely different person.

Lately I have not felt confident, nor like myself. My body has endured something traumatic all over again (I will share when it’s time) and today I couldn’t help but cry. I realized I was becoming so impatient with myself. I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE!, I felt like yelling out.

I don’t feel attractive. 

I feel bloated.

I am just so emotional.

I feel so angry.

I read those words above and I know it’s no longer me… I was in a place in my life when things were good. I was happy. I was secure in my own skin, but now, I just want to curl up and isolate. (It all ties in with what has happened…)

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A person can look so happy and all put together on the outside, but deep down they are crying out for help because all they feel is inadequate and so unworthy…

…this was me.

I had lost sight of who I am in Him.

I Worry TOO Much

When did this happen? When I took my eyes off of God and placed them on my circumstance, I made myself my own keeper, thinking I knew what was best for my own life. Things have happened and I can clearly see how WRONG I was.

I have stretched myself thin. I have taken on so many other responsibilities and roles that I was clearly not meant to. I worry that I won’t have the courage to do what needs to be done. I worry that I am losing my fire. I worry that my passion for writing becomes stagnant. Worst of all, I worry that my passion for Him becomes lost.

What I Deserve

It’s so hard to feel deserving of all good things after you’ve have done so many bad things. It’s hard to believe that the Father continues to see you as valuable and so worthy of His love when you have slowly wandered away from Him.

What I feel is not what is true.

The more I mess up and more mistakes I make, I always find myself coming back to Him needing assurance that He still loves me. I am thankful that His love is unconditional. To know that someone will never stop loving me regardless of how I am or what I do, brings so much comfort and lets me know I will never be alone. 

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The Lie

That says you are unlovable…

When we make so many mistakes and let people we care about down, we sometimes get it in our heads that we are no longer worthy of forgiveness or love. Though people may make us feel like this, God never will. That has always been His promise to everyone; to me.

“I may be weak, but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God You never will.”- Psalm 73.26

I have struggled so much with this that it has kept me from services and people who care about me. It has caused me to want to isolate myself and just hide with shame and fear. Things this time have been so much harder that I had to really remind myself who God is and who He is not.

The Father loves me. The Father wants me. The Father sees me. The Father is faithful. The Father is merciful. The Father is always there.

 

Up, Again

Little by little I am picking myself up. I am being strengthened each day to push forward and work towards being where I need to be. I am reconnecting with Him and my loved ones. I have been through a lot to know that I cannot do it alone. I don’t even want to try…

I know this journey will be a struggle, but nothing is impossible.

I want to be able to look at myself and feel this joy all over again. I want to be able to see who God sees and not who I feel.

I will overcome. ❤

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Alone

I take a look at where I am right now. Tears fill my eyes and my heart with gratitude. I am feeling brand new; free. This journey of being alone, with you, a challenging one it’s been. I have fought. I have cried. I have questioned Your motives for my life, yet you continue to prove Yourself faithful in my life. This road ahead of me, I cannot see the finish line; the destination I so desire. I am moving forward with You by my side fully trusting Your lead. As we walk, I look up at You trying to understand where it is You are leading me to. I am afraid. I am scared of what I do not know. You stand there holding my hand, reminding me that with You by my side good things will come.

Road Trip

This weekend has been a big deal for me. I embarked on my first solo road trip. Months ago plans were made, but God being a good God chose to break the plans I, myself had made.

There was something about going on a trip that sat so well with my soul. It as if God was telling me to, “go.” I made the plans and followed through. I was nervous, I was scared. Of course, I was already beginning to overthink everything.

How am I going to do that? How is the road going to be? What if this? What if that?

Time and time again I have learned that I am able to do a lot of things once I am in the process of doing them. I mean, no one knows what they are capable of doing until they finally get up and do it. They then realize it wasn’t as bad as the lies were telling them. 

I have always been afraid of driving in unfamiliar places, because I never wanted to get lost, alone. Thank God for GPS.

But that’s not what made this trip a pleasant one. It was the very fact that I was alone with God. It was our very first road trip alone, together. I invited Him along and asked Him to watch over me in the process. I felt confident. I felt a new kind of freedom. A new sense of independency.

On the drive to where I was going, I spoke to Him. I opened my heart and shared with Him everything that was still hurting. I let out emotions, feelings, offenses and so on. I cried, I smiled… I had peace. I was happy that I was doing this alone. I needed that one on one time with my Papa.

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Never Alone

While away, I was sharing with my best friend how I have never really been alone. When I met my husband, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. Soon after that break up, me and Freddy started our friendship. We hung out together and with mutual friends. It was him that helped me overcome what I was facing at the time.

We then got closer and it grew into a relationship. I never really had a season of singleness. At that time, God knew I needed Freddy. God used him in a big way, in my life.

Singleness

After awhile of being in a new relationship, I am back at being single. This time it has left me feeling so broken, so pressed down. It’s definitely not what I wanted (being broken up), but needed. God has been showing me who I am, single.

I am being broken from the need of being dependent on someone. He is teaching me how much more I am capable of on my own, with Him. He is giving me this new sense of freedom, that I have never had in my life.

I went from one relationship to the other because of the fear of being alone. 

For the past 8 years and 4 months, I never went anywhere alone. If I didn’t have someone to go with, I wouldn’t go. I missed out on a lot of opportunities because of fear.

So, me being so willing and determined to go on this trip by myself, was a huge deal for me and who I am now becoming.

Autophobia

  • the fear of being alone. (Click on the word fear.)

I never knew it was so bad until my husband passed away and this recent break up. I didn’t realize how much I depended on the company of someone to feel safe, whole, secure and so on, until it was no longer there.

The harder I tried to have someone around, the more empty and insecure I would feel. Anxiety was becoming a problem again. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t enjoy anything. It was starting to hurt being around people. Depression was already making itself in, again.

It wasn’t until God finally had me alone, that I was able to finally see how big the problem was.

We cannot overcome something until we clearly see what the root of it is.

So many tears have been shed. So many silent screams have been released to finally be where I am at right now. Yes, I still have a long ways to go. I still struggle with being alone, without a physical companion. I get frustrated because I want what I want and don’t have it.

God Withholds What We Want

… to give us what we need.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord.

What we want and what God desires for us, will never go hand in hand. They will always collide and either we surrender to God’s perfect and pleasing will (Romans 12:2), or our own fleshly desires. Truth is, only one leads to blessings, while the other just leads to destruction.

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I have a lot of experience with this, than I want to admit. So many “lessons learned,” so many, “Lord, I finally get it,” and many, many of these; “never again!” 

All the things that have happened recently have all been things that were consequences of me following my own desires…

A New Kind of Loss

In the month of March, I experienced my very first miscarriage. It’s something that I am still going through and grieving. For awhile I was trying to push it to the side as if it didn’t happen, because of the break up that happen not too long after.

That’s where the sense of abandonment & loneliness started taking a toll on me.

That’s where the road of brokenness began to lead to the road of a whole new kind of freedom for my life.

This pregnancy came as a huge surprise. It was unexpected. When I found out that I was, it was so exciting and we were so happy, but then something changed. So many negative emotions came in like a flood and I was feeling afraid of what people would think.

I wasn’t married. My husband had just passed away…I was afraid.

There is something about the words, “You’re having a miscarriage,” that brings in a whole new kind of grief; especially since being a mom has always been my greatest desire. All this literally left me questioning God’s goodness for my life. The joy of finding out that I was going to be a mom, to devastating reality that there was no longer a baby. I have to accept that it was not a part of God’s plan for my life, yet.

No one knows what that is like, unless they’ve been through it. Women and men handle these things differently, it showed in my case.

I felt alone. I felt like I couldn’t be upset about it. I was made to feel like I couldn’t really show my emotions, so I didn’t really grieve until after the breakup. I was dealing with both at the same time, along with the loss of my husband.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. I am just now standing back up. 

Road Trip and Miscarriage?

Without one, there wouldn’t be the other. It was because of everything that has happened, that I went away for a couple days. It was the push I needed to step out of my comfort zone.

I needed to get away from the familiar and do something new. Even in this, God led me to confront a part of my past. On this road trip, I had to pass a town where I once lived and experienced a lot of pain and brokenness.

It was the relationship there, that led me to God. I guess I still had some hidden anxiety about passing through and this time alone. On the way back, it wasn’t so bad. I passed through with a new sense of confidence.

It’s something that I know God will lead me to do regarding Stanford!! I’ve pleaded with Him and have said, “NO.” God is having me “pass” through places I have felt the most pain, the most abandoned and where I have experienced the most loss, to set me free. 

As much as I don’t want to, I know it’s necessary. I know I will not be going through it alone. Here is why:

When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. -Isaiah 43:2

This is my reality right now. This is the road to my healing and restoration. It’s been hard to surrender to God and his plan for my life. I have been fighting and been so determined to not allow what I feel or going through to overtake me anymore.

Everybody’s journey is different. God deals with everyone differently; in ways that are right for them. Some are more harsh than others, but it’s because He knows how to get through to the hardest of hearts. 

God does not cause bad things to happen, but He does allow them. Most of the time it’s the misuse of our free will that opens doors to things to happen…then we blame God. 

I can’t blame God for what has happened, because I knew better, but I have anyway because I was avoiding the reality of my actions.

Even then God is merciful and still loving. I have been seeing it in my life. Not a day has gone by that He has not loved me or not wanted the best for my life. I finally see that.

Prodigal Daughter

I ran away from God to do what I thought was the best for me. I opened doors to things that He had already set me free from to make things happen in my own time. It left me broken. It left me confused. It left me not knowing who I was anymore.

I was humbled. Returning to the Father wasn’t easy. First I had to recognize my condition, my reality. I had to open up to people I trusted and confess what was going on. That, itself was hard. It was people who I thought were going to judge me, and because of that I went some time feeling so alone and isolated.  I needed that support and the help so badly that I no longer cared. I needed the help.

It was because of my transparency with them that has allowed me to run into the Father’s arms, again. 

He was waiting for me. When I returned, He was there to greet me and dress me in new garments of: purity, worth, and identity. It was then that I realized that His love for me never stopped regardless of the things I did or how I walked away from Him, rebelliously.

He was the first to greet me. He will always be the first one. 

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I Say This To You

God loves you. There is nothing  you have done or could ever do that will get Him to stop loving you. When God sees you, He never sees the impurities, or mistakes. He sees the blood of His son that was shed for you.

He wants you to know that it’s ok. Come to Him as you are. Never will He push you away, leave you or abandone you. That’s a promise. You’re the apple of His eye and His best creation. You’re His child…

… and YOU ARE SO LOVED!

 

COMPLETLEY BY LEDGER

You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
I don’t have to hide when Your with me
The best, the worst
I know You never leave
It steals my breath away
When You lift my face and say
Who I was, who I am, and who I’ll be
Has been claimed I am Your eternally
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
You have called new life up from the dust
Faithful even though I’ve given up
You take the chaos that’s in me
And You create a symphony
From who I was, who I am, and who I’ll be
I am changed, I am Yours eternally
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
All I am is forever Yours
Everything I’ve been living for
All I am is forever Yours
You have my heart, my soul
You are the One
You are the One I need
You are the One who loves me completely
In a world that’s full of mysteries
One thing is simple as can be
You are the One who loves me completely
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One
Your the One

The Ugly Side

“There are days I feel so good and happy and there are days like today when emotions and sadness come over me like a flood.
I walked out of Subway feeling so alone. I was missing him. Walking to my car tears began to fall down my cheeks. It was like I was watching myself from afar. I was seeing myself feel what I felt and I saw myself going through what I’m going through… I just sat in my car and just started crying. I couldn’t hold it in.
Guilt has come again, but in a different way. I have been reliving how things were and I’ve been feeling like maybe if I had been different with my husband he would still be here. If I took better care of him. Or if I didn’t push him so hard…
This was my day.
I wanted to leave work early and just hide away. I wanted to be alone and to push everything/everyone away.
I didn’t let depression win. I didn’t let isolation win.
I will have my best days and I will also have my worst days… eventually things will balance out and stronger I will be. 🌸
God is the God of comfort. This helps me through.”-Stephanie (January 9th)

The Ugly Side of Grieving

I have been walking into the deepest parts of grieving; that moment when all things are being completely stripped away; when all that I new is starting to become nothing more than a memory. I have been experiencing break downs, lash outs and moments of just me wanting to run away and go. Where? I don’t know… at the moment any place sounds better than here.

It was a Wednesday, I broke down at work while on my lunch. I had a moment where I felt like I was watching myself there in that moment. I was by myself.

I saw myself feeling how I felt and I felt what I was feeling… tears just fell down my cheeks. I couldn’t help it.. and at that very moment, I just felt so alone. 

I sat in my car and began to cry. I let everything out. I felt so weak that I didn’t want to go on with my day. It was that moment I wanted to revert, isolate myself and be alone. But I couldn’t.

I am going through these changes that no one else understands. I cannot be like everyone who is moving on like nothing has happened or like those who are ok because, “they know where he is.” I just can’t!

Of course, there life wasn’t affected like mine. He was my husband, the better part of me. I knew who I was with him, now I am not so sure. 

I am breaking cycles. I am breaking patterns. I am breaking routines. I have begun doing things that I never did before. I am re-finding myself and figuring out who I now am without my husband.

A Breakdown

In the last few days I have had multiple breakdowns. None like before. These have been from deep down; from the places that are still hurting. Confusion comes in; fear, doubt and the worst of all, the wondering of, “Why?!” 

I have been constantly tormented by that question. Why has this happened? I didn’t ask for it.

I have been completely honest with God. I have cried out to Him and I have yelled my frustration at Him. He continues to hear me.

This past Thursday I didn’t go to work.  I just couldn’t. I needed time alone to clear my head. I needed God.

A lot has been coming at me and temptations from every which way; my weakness and vulnerability have been used against me as though I am going to cave in… I am not.

I spent that early morning alone with God at the church. There I was able to just let everything out and cry without being heard. These past few times, all I have been wanting is to cry without someone asking me, “are you ok? or what’s wrong?” I just wanted to be able to without being asked. To know that it was ok to just cry.

Being in God’s presence, completely transparent helped to expose what was buried.

I yelled at God. I felt so much hurt and like as though He let me down. I told him, “Everything that I have ever asked from You have given me and You have always helped me in everything, but I didn’t ask to be a widow.” 

When those words were released from my mouth, I felt this “ahhh!!” moment. Like God was saying, “There, that’s it.” I have been so angry, but have pushed it aside trying to pretend that I am ok.

It’s just been so hard. I can’t move on the way everybody else is. I just can’t. I can’t avoid these steps of this grieving process. Like I said, no one else was affected the way I am.

This has been my reality…

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Random moments of sadness and breakdowns. I can’t avoid them… I am going through them though I don’t want to. I feel broken; waiting for God to put me back together. To pick up with pieces and turn me into something beautiful.

 

See the source imageThe meaning of the word everything: “the current situation; life in general.”

God causes (the current situation; of life in general) to work together for the good of those who’ve been called…

Reading the definition of the word “everything,” this verse made more sense to me. He takes my current situation and then uses it to benefit me in the long run. Though I cannot see it yet, He is working.

 

It’s Healing

“It’s  not a storm, it’s healing.”-Mimi

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I am no longer seeing this as a storm, but a way for healing; a way for restoration. 

 

To The Cutter Inside…

I see you. I know you. I get it. Life has thrown at you things you had no control over. It has even left you believing that it was your fault. Deep down inside you wanted to take it out the only way you’ve always known how; on yourself. Life has knocked you down, but still, I see something in you that desires to get up and rise. 

You thought you had no choice but to fight; as though there was no one there to defend you or protect you from what you felt inside. It’s your defense mechanism. I get it, but still, there is a way out. A place to cast your burdens; your cares.

You take a look at your life and wonder if things will ever get back to normal. What is normal, now? Nothing about what you’re going through is normal to you. What scares you the most is that you know deep down inside, nothing will ever be normal. I see it.

You often wonder if someone else will accept you and love you as much as the last one; such thoughts bring you torment. I can see it. I know it, but still, there is someone who does.

You look around and all you see is loneliness and you feel as though there is no escape. Your eyes, stuck on the problem in front of you and desperation runs through your body. You panic because you don’t know how to handle it. I know what that feels like, but still, you’re never alone.

Your emotions rage and you don’t care. This is your normal, but still, there is someone who desires to show you another way.

You ask, “How do you know!?”

My answer is simple; “I know because, I was you.” 

 

Thoughts of pain I can control tempting it has always been; the twisted lie that says things will be better if I did. All it was, was a temporary relief that only caused more pain, but in my mind it was ok because it was the only pain I was able to control. Though the scars remain, who I was, is gone.-Stephanie

 

Poem Inspiration

The poem, “To The Cutter Inside,” was inspired by my recent thoughts about cutting. It literally came to me on the way to Salinas with my dad, niece and brother. I was feeling a bit bitter, because today was supposed to be mine and my husband’s eight year anniversary.

It’s been a couple days since thoughts of cutting have came to my mind. Especially because of the mistakes I have made recently. I was feeling angry inside. I wanted to lash out, but in a way that “no one else would know about.” 

In the midst of what I was feeling earlier this morning; all I could think about was what other girls or guys are going through. That’s why I wrote the poem the way I did. As if I was talking to someone. I am; I am talking to those who cut themselves as an escape and who have been truly hurt by things they couldn’t control; whatever that may be…I really do get it. 

And there really is a God who cares about you; who loves you and desires to set you free, the way He did for me. You’re not alone. 

 

A Part of My Story

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This is my tattoo; my left wrist. For years I used cutting as a way to deal with the hidden pain and problems I had at home. In eighth grade I began seeing a counselor to help with the depression and cutting, but that didn’t help. There was a root that no one or nothing was able to remove…

Self-pain was the only thing that I could control when everything around me changed in ways that hurt me… it went on through my teen years and a few of my adult years.

Though the temptations still come, I have been set free. The root that no one or nothing was able to remove, was finally uprooted by God, the one who can reach down deep into the hidden chambers of the heart to bring freedom to our lives. 

Psalm 139: 23-24

 

The Cross

The cross represents: salvation, freedom, healing, restoration, protection and so much more; but those few were the very reasons why I got it over my scars. It was something symbolic that I was led to do for me. When Jesus came into my life the first thing He did was make me new, covering my with His blood; giving me a new life and erasing my past. In His eyes I am no longer a cutter, but His beloved. 

God’s word says in 2 Corinthians 5: 17 that anybody who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone (forgotten; never to be remembered by God) and given new life; identity.

 

My Safe Place

He gave me a safe place to open up and finally let go of the things that I had so buried deep in my heart and began restoring my life. I found that there was freedom in finally opening up and confessing to God what I was going through.

When we release a secret or whatever it is we are feeling inside, it makes room for God’s perfect love to flow in and start doing the good work in our lives. You were meant to carry heavy burdens. You weren’t meant to carry shame. You weren’t meant to carry guilt or blame.

God sees you and stretches out His loving arms and asks you to place on Him your heavy burdens so He can give you rest. –Matthew 11:28

 

What’s Helped Me…

Having the revelation/ understanding that God knows me better than I know myself. That He sees all things. He understands me and gets me. He knows my thoughts; He knows what I carry in my heart. He knows my every move, nothing surprises Him or catches Him off guard. To me that is important. To me is means that when I run to Him and confess what I have done, He is prepared to hear it and just hold me in His arms and help me through it.

He knew me before I was born; nothing I ever did surprised Him.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before you were born I set you apart…”- Jeremiah 1:5

God knows you. He has known your every move, every mistake, every thought… and still LOVES you. He says,

“My love, come to me as you are. Nothing you have done or do will surprise me. I loved you then, I love you now. Cast your cares up on me because I am the one cares for you. Rest in the knowing that I am never too far away. Find peace in knowing that I am the one who fights your battles. I am your defender, so you don’t have to fight anymore. Here my child, give to me everything that is causing you pain, so that I may heal you. Let me wipe away every tear and turn your sorrow into joy. Let me show you the life that was meant for you from the start. I love you.”

 


 

“You, you’re not alone
We’ve all been there
Scars come with livin’
You, you’re not alone
We’ve all been there
So, lift your head, lift your head
Lift your head to where your help comes from
You, you’re are not alone
We’ve all been there
Scars come with livin’

It doesn’t matter who you are
This world gon’ leave some battle scars.”-Scars by Toby Mac

cross

Reach out to God and He will take you by the hand. -Stephanie

Freedom

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. A promise I hold close to my heart. You have said time and time again that nothing or no one can separate me from Your unfailing Love; no darkness, no highs, no lows, not even the mistakes I have made. Perfected in your Love, I am. I do not fear of what lies ahead. Though many things around me attempt to torment me, captivating my thoughts, You set me free because nothing outweighs the CROSS.

 

freedomWhere the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.-2 Corinthians 3:17

Painting by: Stephanie Ann Hernandez

Depression…

I am no stranger to depression. Throughout my life I have struggled with it and the torment; the lies and the loneliness it has brought me. But I have never experienced it like I have been, recently. It’s lasted a lot longer and my emotions have been all over the place and not to mention a sudden temptation to “cut.” Yesterday was the worse.

Thoughts so loud saying, “cutting will make you feel better.” It painted a really good picture of escaping my reality, like I had mentioned in my last Blog Post: Unveiled.

Yesterday, started out like any other day, but the difference was I was feeling tired with no energy to do anything. Things lately have been a little rough and have been so challenging for me, especially as a wife. My husbands health and things we are dealing with have had me feeling so overwhelmed. I shared a bit about it on Instagram: @wifeyourenotalone

I stayed in bed for awhile, feeling just blah. I was struggling to breath. The entire day I was in my own world, not really caring about things around me. I was so emotional, crying here and there; crying out to God for help. I just felt angry.

Throughout the day I felt so anxious, I felt so alone and I felt like I couldn’t breath. I felt like everything around me was just caving in on me, I was suffocating. I felt defenseless. Never have I experienced such pain caused by depression.

I realized how bad it was when my mother in law came to drop something off, hearing her say hi from the door, stung. I didn’t want to be around anybody. I didn’t want anybody to see me. I didn’t want to see anybody… I finally got it. I finally understood what depression really is and how much of a thief it is.

…Can’t Beat The Cross

IMG_4384Sitting at the kitchen table, last night and still feeling a bit blah and as though I couldn’t breathe, I started drawing and painting. I didn’t know what I would be drawing. First, I had drawn the flower (I just love to draw flowers) then I went into that heart, but it wasn’t my intention to draw a heart. I was inspired by a plant I have on the table. The leaves are shaped like a heart. I attempted to draw that… but I began drawing what I was feeling.

I felt my heart darkening and being surrounded by darkness. I just kept darkening the heart without realizing why. As I kept painting, I felt to place the cross in the center of the “chaos.” After doing so I literally heard these words, “Depression can’t beat the cross.” Then I felt led to add light bursting out, breaking free from that darkness. I connected the flower as it represented freedom.

I started crying. God had used my own painting to minister to me. It reminded me that the cross has power to defeat the lies that try to overtake me. The same is true for you. 

This isn’t the first time I draw out what I feel inside. He reminded me of that. A few minutes later, after that encounter with Him I realized that I was no longer feeling anxious or as though I couldn’t breath. I felt a sense of peace come over me.

This morning He reminded me of the verse: “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”-2 Corinthians 3:17 

The Spirit of the Lord resides in my heart… the very thing that the enemy tried to overtake. Greater is the power of the CROSS, than any scheme from the enemy.

My husband is such a wise man. Many times God has used him to speak words of encouragement into my heart and to confirm a lot of things. For example: he told me today, “I believe God allows us to go through things like this to bring us understanding of what others are going through.” I wasn’t seeing it like that.

Our marriage. His health. Me currently re-struggling with anxiety, depression and self-harm… someone needs to hear that they aren’t alone and that I, too, go through it. I believe that He will bring someone in my path who needs encouragement, someone who is facing the same things. Someone who needs to hear that there is a way out. That the cross has power to defeat the darkness! -Stephanie

Freedom Reigns

After my experience last night and my husband and I coming closer, I feel a lot stronger, today. I went to bed to my husbands embrace and I woke up to his embrace. God knew how much I needed that; needed to feel my husband’s love and support in all that I am going through.

Freedom is what I am feeling today because of the One who lives within me. It’s no coincidence that the topic, today is Freedom. Though we celebrate 4th of July, there is a deeper freedom God wants to impart to everyone. A freedom that truly lasts and that is ever life changing. FREEDOM REIGNS. He is FREEDOM. 

Prayer, My Heart’s Desire

I pray that this blog blesses all who come across it. That it will impart God’s true love upon them and they will be able to feel His embrace. I pray that freedom will come upon every heart and every mind that is currently being tormented by the lies of the enemy. I declare a divine intervention for those who are on the verge of taking their life or wanting to harm themselves.  I pray for protection and for guidance. I also pray that those who do not know God will come to experience and know who He is and open their hearts to Him. ❤ 

-Stephanie

 

 

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“Freedom reigns in this place.

Showers of mercy and grace.

Falling on every face, there is freedom.”

Freedom Reigns by Jesus Culture

Unveiled

I trust in you. When the storms are raging around me, You keep me in perfect peace. In Your presence I find rest, I am secure. My hope not shaken, my mind is at ease. I can finally breathe.

I sit here on the verge of tears. My heart hurts for all those who are dealing with this, for the people who feel as though there is no way out. I have been there, I know what it's like. My hearts deepest desire is to reach out and tell you there is hope. To tell you that there is a way out of the darkness. To scream to you that YOUR LIFE MATTERS!! To have you believe that you are loved.-Stephanie

I Can Finally Breathe

Anxiety has come and gone, recently. Laying in bed and feeling as though I am about to pass out…that, I am not unfamiliar with. Lately I have see so many people share their experiences with depression, anxiety and so on.. it’s real. It torments so many people. That was me a few days ago. My body was shaking, I couldn’t breathe and I felt like I was going to pass out.

Things have been happening, things out of my control. I can honestly say I have been stressed and so overwhelmed… feeling so hopeless; feeling alone. My husbands health has been at a stand still, with other things happening. If you were to take a look at this situation from the outside, you would probably be thinking, “why do things like that happen to him?”

*Lauging.* I laugh because we too, have asked God that question. We have gone so low as to doubt him…(the reason for my anxiety and depression.)

Freedom Has Came

We all know that pressure builds up when things are left untouched and kept shoved inside. That was me. My mind had so many things in it.. so many worries and frustrations. In all honesty, I didn’t take much to set me off.

Of course, one foul word from my husband and I exploded. Laying in bed I let out silent screams as tears rolled down my face and I went as far as to dig my nails into my face and arms. That’s how angry I was.

I was so broken. I was so depressed. I was almost reverting to my old ways… self harming. I have spoken about my cutting. That temptation was trying to come back. I finally realized why I started cutting in the first place. (When I was in 8th grade.)

“God had showed me that it was my “false reality.” Cutting had become my way of escaping the harsh reality I faced everyday. God also showed me that cutting myself was a way of taking the control away from people. What I mean is this; it took the power away from people to hurt me. I controlled the pain and how much I wanted endure.”-Stephanie

If you really pay attention to those kinds of things, we can clearly see how demonic it is. It’s torment. It’s bondage. It’s a dark place.

I have finally understood why people feel the need to do such things.. and so sad to say, end up taking their life. It’s a false “escape.” It’s a lie that tells them that there is no other way out of it.

God is the way out. He is the freedom of bondage. He is life. 

Reverting

If I am being totally honest, things in my marriage and with my husband have not been ideal. I have struggled so much with everything going on. I have broken down so many times and felt depressed. Feeling hopelessness has been the worst! It was because of that that led me to revert to self harm.

I remember sitting here at the table, a few days ago and putting a small blade to my arm. Though it was a tiny cut, it was enough to snap me out of it. It was enough for me to see how low I allowed the enemy to take me.

I was wanting to revert to my old ways, taking the control into my own hands. I was trying to escape the reality in front of me. I was trying to take the control back… I was going about it all wrong. 

That same night I broke down, I released the pressures, the pain and frustration. I was set free. While laying in bed, screaming silently I felt something I hadn’t felt before. Angrily tossing and turning in bed I felt like I was being set free from something. (I was.) I mean as I was letting out those silent screams I felt as though things were being removed from me…

What People Don’t Say

Mental illness; depression, self-harm, anxiety, etc. are demons. 

They torment the mind causing people to do exactly what they feel inside. They hate themselves, so they are told to change their bodies. They are tired of feeling hurt so their mind tells them to harm themselves… it’s a sick a twisted game the devil plays with people who are vulnerable like this. ((I WAS ONE OF THEM!))

My recent experience with self-harm and depression and how I felt I was being set free from evil spirits; it reminded me of this story.

Jesus Restores A Demon-Possessed Man-Mark 5 

Click the link to read the full passage, but I want to focus on something.

“They went across the lake to the region of the Gerasenes. When Jesus got out of the boat, a man with an impure spirit came from the tombs to meet him.  This man lived in the tombs, and no one could bind him anymore, not even with a chain.  For he had often been chained hand and foot, but he tore the chains apart and broke the irons on his feet. No one was strong enough to subdue him.  Night and day among the tombs and in the hills he would cry out and cut himself with stones.” -Mark 5: 1-5

Whether you want to believe it or not, there is a spiritual realm. There are angels and there are demons.

In that passage we can clearly see a man being tormented by evil spirits. Self-harm and mental illness isn’t something new. It’s been around for generations; centuries! The only way to really be free from it is by knowing the truth and opening up your heart to it.

Later in that passage we see that Jesus demanded that those spirits tormenting the man to come out. Reading it closely it shows us how that man had been in bondage for a long time. It also shows that no one could bind those spirits and no one was able to set him free, until Jesus came.

Jesus has the power to set every captive free. He has the power to restore someone’s life and give them hope, again. He has the power to save someone on the brink of suicide; death. 

Image result for suicide isn't the answer You matter. Your life matters. Your struggles matter. Your life can make a difference. 

“You’re not the only one going through things like this. I am nowhere near perfect. I am human and sometimes allow things to bother me so much. I have determined myself to trust God with every problem in my life and marriage. I realized that falling into the lies of the enemy, that’s what he wants. For his job is to kill, steal and destroy, but God says that He has come to give life and life in abundance.-John 10:10 I choose to believe that, that things will get better than to remain in that darkness.”-Stephanie

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Reference Verses

Yes, I am the gate. Those who come in through me will be saved. They will come and go freely and will find good pastures. The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.- John 10:9-10

For this is how God loved the world: He gave His one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.-John 3:16

Salvation is for everyone. 

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by openly declaring your faith that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved.-Romans 10:9-11

For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”-Romans 10:13

God’s Love For You

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death no life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.-Romans 8:38

Nothing you do or will ever do will stop God from loving you and wanting a better life for you. He is merciful and always quick to reach out to those who are drowning in life’s problems and lift them up.

He loves you. You are loved. You are definitely loveable. 

 

It’s Been Days

There are still days I need reminders that I am not alone. There are days where I still find myself struggling to see things through faith, but I determine myself. I have seen God move in many ways, before. He never changes and is always the same. It’s been days and I have been doing so well. I have become stronger and I am no longer allowing things to affect me like before.

I was really set free. Someone who is set free, is free indeed.

“So if the Son sets you free, you are truly free.”-John 8:36

 

IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS GOING THROUGH DEPRESSION PLEASE DON’T KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. REACH OUT AND GET HELP.

 

Clayton Jennings- Please Don’t Kill Yourself

 

In The Photo

The woman in the Featured Image is me. It was taken during the time I felt depressed and hopeless. Incorporated was a curtain, symbolizing a veil. That’s what mental illness is. It’s a veil placed over our minds and eyes and keeps us from seeing the truth.

Shortly after this picture was taken, that’s exactly what happened to me. The veil was torn. I had planned on using that photo for some poem, but God had different plans.

 

A Girl and Her Journal

My passion for writing started from a place of desperation. It was during the time in my teen life where I felt so lost and alone. With so much to say, I didn’t know how to express it. Depression crept in, cutting began. I was only a teen, a girl who felt unloved. Blade to my wrist, the only pain I could control. I sought help, to a counselor I was taken to, but nothing seem to help. Every Monday, science class I would miss. It was in that moment, my love for writing began. What I couldn’t express with my counselor, I was able to share in my journal. I have always said, I say it again, the paper always knew me better than any person could.

Being Transparent

It’s time. Time to share my story. Depression comes like a thief in the night. The signs are there, but few recognize. It was so with me. I have always dealt with depression, like many have and continue to.

There are many things that can cause it, but it’s mostly formed in the mind. That’s where it begins. The thoughts of being unloved, unworthy, unaccepted, no good and so on were what sparked it in my life, not to mention the way things were at home. Less than perfect, I am sure I am not the only one.

With all honesty and transparency, I have felt this way a couple days ago. Things in my life and being so disconnected has left me feeling so helpless and desperate; feeling like nothing is going to get better. It’s suffocating. It’s made me feel anxious…

Crying Out To God

because he says… “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”- Matthew 11:28

Yes, with tears down my cheeks and ready to throw in the towel… I have cried out. I have thrown myself at His feet, questioning His reasons as to why things are the way they are. But all I can hear Him say is, “So I can be glorified.” It may seem unfair for Him to say that, but I know exactly what He means. All I can do is say, “Ok.” I cannot fight His plans.

In my walk with God, there have been many obstacles. There have been many times I have felt tempted to lash out, but because I knew I was loved it shielded me from any kind of lies trying to get me to fall back into that self harming life.

He has taken upon him all my worries. He has taken upon Him all my pain because He cares for me…all so that I may find rest and strength in Him.-Stephanie

Freedom Comes By Humbling Yourself

is what I have learned.

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.-1 Peter 5:7-10

“We can read these verses and then wonder why things are allowed in our life, the things that hurt us and leave us wondering what’s going on, but we are only seeing it through our own eyes, our eyes of pain and desperation. We forget to see things through His eyes. After all, He is the one who sees things from the beginning all the way to the end.”-Stephanie

Only God knows why we go through what we do, and the reasons for it.

Maybe it’s to bring you closer to Him. To set you free from the things that keeps you in bondage. To strengthen you because there is something greater He is wanting to give you. There are many reasons as to why…

To be honest, I still struggle with fully trusting Him and what is being done in my life. I am human and far from perfect. We all are.

Let me tell you this: You’re not alone in your suffering. You’re not the only one who is going through it. I have been there, I know what it’s like. But there is someone who has seen every single tear, every single cut; all your pain and wants nothing more than to set you free.

Let Go Of Pride

To receive the freedom you need, starts by first acknowledging you need help. It’s humbling yourself to admit it. Pride takes many forms, and the most popular one is the,

“I am ok.”

If that were the case, you wouldn’t be isolated, feeling the way you feel and so on. 

This kind of pride, “denial,” comes from a place of insecurity; it keeps people at a distance because we are afraid to let others in and see the “mess” we are in. I learned this from a friend, we are not a mess when were are going through something.

We are human created to lean on and need God. We definitely have feelings and emotions. While it’s ok to feel what we feel, we shouldn’t stay there. Remember this:

There is freedom in humility. There is freedom in surrender. There is freedom, together. 

 

This Is Me

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“I have always been one to build up a wall and push people out. It has always been my so called “safe place,” until the day God opened my eyes and revealed to me the damage I was doing and the danger of it. All I was doing was enclosing myself alone, with all the torment and struggles and at the same time I was keeping people out; the very people who could help me overcome depression & isolation. I was so worried about them seeing me as not capable or inadequate. It was pride. It was insecurity.  I didn’t want to admit and confess my struggles. With opening up, I have learned there are many caring people who are there for me. I have learned to trust God and others with my pain and hurt, instead of trying to do it alone. In doing so, I have gained the strength to get back up and keep going. In doing so I have not had to fight alone. In doing so I have been the best version of me… and in doing so, my life is not like how it used to be and those temptations are gone.”-Stephanie

My name is Stephanie and I am no longer a slave to depression or self harm .

I am free. 

 

My Heart’s Song