Who Am I?!

I have been so angry. A type of anger that has locked me inside of doubt, insecurity and kept me thinking that I am alone. Today I let myself fall to the ground; I was tired. You know how hard I have been fighting to keep my head afloat. I have picked myself up many times before, but I could not do it again. My only Hope is in You; I need you all over again.

I Don’t Know Who I Am

Just a few years ago I was a wife, devoted to serving in God’s how with my husband, then out of nowhere I became a widow. I was lost, I was confused and the one thing I thought I needed was to run away and start again.

It’s funny because life has a way of reminding us that our own plans always fail. 

I have taken so many wrong turns. I have been dealing with consequences of my actions, lately. I have fallen, but the only thing keeping me above the surface, is Him; my trust in Him… the relationship I still managed to keep.

Today I was reflecting on my life and how many things I have gone through in just a short time.

I feel robbed of grieving time. I have moments where I wish I could just cry and be alone when I need to be. I happen to catch myself feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. I grew tired of the pain and memories, that I locked them away.

After my husband died, I realized a part of me died. I didn’t know this, until God began revealing to me something. For a long time I kept thinking about and seeing visions of the hospital where my husband passed away at. I have been thinking of the very small and lonely waiting room that I would pray and wait for good news. I have been thinking of how I felt when I was there. I remember just the pain, the fear and the loneliness of it all…

“The moment Freddy passed away, is the moment you lost a part of yourself.” 

A part of me died that day and I have not gotten it back. I cried so much today. God revealed to me a lot of anger and pain I had against Him. He showed me something so deep, something I never really thought about, but just happened.

After my husband died I became angry at God. A root took place in my mind that contaminated my heart. I began believing that God would never do anything good for me. After all, He didn’t answer my prayer regarding my husband…

A Broken Mother

In less than two years, I have gone through two miscarriages.

I recently asked myself… why has God allowed me to go through so much loss?

After many years of dwelling on this, it only began to bug me this last weekend. For the past thirteen years I have been the only one in my family without kids. I never thought twice about it. I would always just say, “Not yet.”

To this day I continue to respond the same, but it is no longer true. I do have kids. In Heaven. My last miscarriage hurt so much more than the first. (I was seven weeks and saw my baby in an ultrasound.)

What hurt the most was… the same day as my first ultra-sound I started going through the miscarriage. I lost my baby that same night.

I remember laying in bed in so much pain and crying out to God, asking Him to save my baby and allow me to hold my baby… after praying that I placed my hands on my stomach and felt the last contraction… my baby had come out.

At the time I didn’t realize what I was holding in a piece of toilet paper was not just blood clots, but my precious baby. Through a picture I had taken, I got to see how their body was beginning to form; their hands, feet, legs…

how I wish I was about to meet my baby. 

I Feel Like Job

Though not as drastic as his life, I have endured a lot of loss. My life has gone off track a bit, but in my heart has been the desire to realign with His will for my life. One thing is, writing a lot more. He has already sent people to confirm that I need to get back on it.

I have so much to share, I am just not sure in what order. What I wrote today was what has been in my heart so much and the very thing that God is needing to confront. I cannot keep avoiding these painful memories and expect healing and freedom.


 

Best miscarriage Quotes, Status, Shayari, Poetry & Thoughts ...

I am a mother, though I do not have my children near. 

I am a mother, though my pregnancies were cut short.

I am a mother, for I carried life in my womb. 

I am a mother, though I do not feel it.

 

 

 

 


 

Whoever I now am, I am still trying to figure out. Whoever it is; a widow, a mother…or just a daughter, I know I will be stronger because I have experienced them all. I know that He will take what was meant to hurt me and turn into something amazing. Whoever I am becoming, I know the journey will be worth it.

I trust Him.

 

An Open Road-I Still Believe

I look at myself, not in the physical; in the spiritual. I see myself standing before an open road. I look to the left, I look to the right; even straight ahead. I am filled with confusion, I don’t know which path to take. I cry out to You, You’re the only one who can help me. Alone to decide, I am and I am not sure what to do. You see my heart and know every desire; lead me in the way I am to go so I will not wander in the direction of my own wants. I am anxious, I just want to move. I am scared, too, at the thought of doing it alone. Every tear I have cried, not in vain they are. Lead me, I want to go where You are.

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Not Like Lot

Yesterday, being Monday, marked the finale of a three day conference at our mother church. It was a powerful service which ended in God moving and reigniting the passion in our hearts for what He has for us; for serving Him.

I stood there in the back crying out to God. Ever since all this happened with my husband, I have been more certain that I want to serve God. I want to be used to help women and young girls. It was so evident in my heart that I am meant to, but I am just not sure which path to take or where to start.

As I was standing there, I cried to God and this flowed from my heart without me even thinking about it: “I don’t want to be like Lot. I want to be like Abraham

I was surprised that I said that, let alone thought about it. But I knew it was God, because He knows EVERYTHING; even my thoughts. Lately I had been thinking of where my place is. I have been thinking if I should go, or if I should stay. The things that had me considering moving were things like: “They have it all together. Things are already established there… it will be easy to serve in where you want to serve. Or they are in need of servants/people to help out, surely they will accept you.” 

The things that were making me consider staying were like: “You have the opportunity to begin something new here and establish it… though there is nothing here, there can be.” 

Both had seemed appealing to me, but the last thing I have wanted was to move without God’s guidance and only because of what I don’t or do want to work for; if that makes sense. I want it to be all God and His timing, not me or mine.

The very fact that I cried out those words, that I didn’t want to be like Lot, and wanted to be like Abraham already gives me the answer I am needing; I just need the faith to walk it out… like Abraham did. 

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I Don’t Want The Greener Grass

Lot chose what was appealing to him, out of the selfishness and greed in his heart. He chose the beautiful, the very thing that he didn’t have to work for; everything was set and established. The very place he chose was a place that was filled with so much evil and things not of God; instead of being a blessing to him it actually brought evil upon him… he was influenced.

On the other hand, Abraham chose the overlooked. There was nothing there and it took him faith to be able to see the blessing of the plains. God spoke to him and promised him that he would be tremendously blessed because of his faith, his humility and obedience.

He wanted what God wanted for him even though he couldn’t see it yet and not what he was able to see. That’s where I find myself right now, in this very season of my life. 

Like Abraham, I believe and trust God even though I cannot see where He is leading me to or the blessings yet to come. I don’t even know what to expect, except that I know it’s going to be a blessing for my life.

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I Still Believe

I haven’t felt so connected to this song, like I do at this very moment. Though I have gone through so much and though it HURTS SO BAD, I can lift my arms and say to God, “I still believe.”  I would be lying if I said I didn’t have questions. I have a lot of questions and still I don’t seem to understand why my husband was taken. Pain and confusion still blur my vision of the bigger picture. I still cry for my husband, because I miss him so much. But through it all, I know God is still good and He is still faithful.

I know that He didn’t allow this to hurt me. I know that for a fact. Like Abraham, I can’t see the blessing, but I have faith that it’s coming they very way He promised it. 

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My heart’s song in this season. (Jeremy Camp lost his first wife years ago. That is where the song was birthed. I have also heard another testimony of Danny Gokey-Tell My Heart To Beat Again who also lost his first wife and how it affected his life. They show me how God restores and how He blesses even when they couldn’t see His plan.) It encourages me. I know this isn’t the end for me. ❤

 

“I Still Believe” by Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
Seems I don’t know where to start
But it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises I still seem to bear
Even when answers slowly unwind
It’s my heart I see You prepare
But its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every finger tip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don’t see, I still believe
The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers
In brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know Your near

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There was a time when I was crying out to God and all I could tell him was help my heart to beat again. This song came to mind and after listening to it, it touched me in a way that allowed me to encounter God like never before. He reminds me:

He is near to the broken hearted. He’s near to those who call on His name. 

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Tell Your Heart To Beat Again by Danny Gokey

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again
Oh, so tell your heart to beat again

IMG_3546 WHAT YOU ARE FACING; THE LOSS THAT YOU HAVE ENDURED ISN’T WITHOUT PURPOSE. IT WAS NEVER MEANT TO HARM YOU. GOD HAS A PURPOSE FOR IT, YOU ONLY NEED TO BELIEVE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE LOVED AND THERE IS A NEW BEGINNING COMING FORTH FOR YOUR LIFE. 

-Love,

Stephanie Ann ❤

 

The Life I Knew

When I close my eyes all I can see is the chaos around me. I am reminded of the pain I feel and the brokenness within. I cried out to You; all I could say was, “I am broken.” Emotions going wild, feeling so many things at once. You have been my stability. You have been my comfort. You have been the only safe place for me to run. It hurts. How long will it last? My life at the moment is me here and You on the other side of this current hell. I am scared. I am alone. One step in front of the other; You’ve given me the courage to move. As I step on this narrow road, there are no safe rails. The only sure thing is You. One step after another I draw closer to you. Things rise up attempting to keep my eyes off of you. Anxiety attacks, but You shield me and I am no longer afraid. I am walking towards You alone, apart of me has gone. My breakthrough is coming. I know You will see it through. I trust You.

Life Alone

The last thing I want to be doing is writing. The last thing I want to be doing is planning a Celebration Service. Lately I have found myself doing things I don’t want to me doing, or I never thought I would be doing.

I have been sharing my journey about my husband stroke and believing for God to manifest a miracle. He did, just not how we prayed for. My husband went to be with God almost a week ago and I can’t begin to express what I have been feeling.

I have felt shocked. I have felt scared. I have felt alone and I have felt angry. I have cried out to God telling Him this isn’t how things should be! I never expected to be a widow, now. I didn’t expect for my life to be broken this way.

As days go by I am getting stronger, still it stings. My life partner taken away, when all my faith and hope was in him getting better here. Doubt began creeping in and I felt myself having a hard time believing what God said or has been saying. I felt cheated out of so much, especially out of a marriage. I guess I still feel angry, but I am surrendering it to God. I don’t want a bitter heart towards Him. He is the only one who has been strengthening me during this difficult time.

The Shock

My husband going to be with the Lord, left us all in shock. Some of us taking it harder than others. I am definitely one of them. He was my best friend. The one person I had been able to open up to and who had been there for me for the past eight years! Taken! The one who helped me walk with God. The one who was a big part of my spiritual growth… simply… my BEST FRIEND. I felt lost. I still do, to be honest.

Last Sunday, I felt myself in a state of panic. I was crying and felt as though I was going insane. The enemy has been using the reality of it all to torment me. It wasn’t until I heard God lead me to say certain things out loud; helping me to accept the reality.

“He is no longer here, he is now in Heaven. I am no longer going to see him here at home. I won’t see him when I go to bed and when I wake up. I will do things without him and there will be things that will remind me of him. There will be moments when I will think about him, but he will not be here. I am planning his service and I will be ok.”

These are some of the things God led me to say out loud. Once I did, I felt a peace come over me and an acceptance of my current reality. The enemy had me in a faze, keeping me from accepting it and every time I would snap out of it, I would remember and just breakdown.

I had to disappear a few times while my family was over to just cry and pray. Loss, especially of your spouse is HARD. My supposed to be life partner. We were supposed to do life together. We were supposed to serve God together. We were supposed to do so much more than we did!! That makes me angry, and it hurts. 

Writing

The very thing that brought me joy and the very thing that I have loved to do, had now become the very thing I didn’t want to do. It was my husbands joy to read my blogs and anything I wrote. I can still here his words of affirmation and how my blog blessed him. This is the first blog, where I now know he is no longer here. I won’t be able to ask him, “Babe did you read my blog? What did you think?”

I still remember the first time I showed him a writing of mine. He was the only person I had ever shown. I trust him with everything. He was my truest best friend, in my entire life. That’s what hurts me the most, not having that anymore.

Writing reminds me of him, but all my writings for God. More than ever, I know I need to keep writing and share what I am going through, because I am not the only one going through such things. It hurts. Again, it’s the last thing I want to be doing, among a few other things.

I want to write and let out everything I feel, until I am no longer broken, until I am no longer hurting, until I no longer shed a tear; until I can finally think of my love and just smile.

His Heart & Life

My husband always had a heart for God and for people. His character, his personality… there isn’t a person who wasn’t impacted by the person he was. He gave his life to serve God and others.

He helped me in  many ways. I didn’t know until recently, that when he and I met, he was determined to help me and help me walk and grow in God. He literally did. He was my first real friend there, when I began attending the church. He knew all my secrets. He knew my past. He knew everything about me, yet he still loved me; unconditionally. Through him, God poured out his real love into my life. I knew acceptance, and I knew worth.

My husband has been used by God to bring healing and restoration and to show me that a woman could be respected, loved and truly cherished. I have been thinking about that lately and I have realized that through my husband, God set a standard for me on how I should be treated and see myself. He has shown me who I am and my worth. It has taught me to no longer feel the need to depend on another man, like I used to.

He has given me the courage to want only Him. He has healed that part of my life. He has strengthened me and set my true identity into motion. I don’t need another relationship to feel whole. I just need God.

I was my love’s first love. He waited on God for me. That I will always cherish. There is a quote I recently seen and it made me think of him. He would tell me how God told him I was the one. He was and will always be that special man to me.

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A Widow, But Not

The first thing that hit me hard was, “I am a widow. I am alone.” I took that pretty hard. I lost my best friend. The life I knew, immediately shaken and broken… until I received a revelation.

Jesus is the ultimate GROOM. I am His bride. I am not alone. 

I made a promise to myself that I want to live with the same kind of heart my husband had. I want a heart after God’s and for people. I want to honor my husband like that. That’s something he taught me. That’s something he imparted to me. That’s something that helped me grow in God and find that healing and restoration. I want to be able to do that for others. To be able to love them past their flaws, their past and help them see who they are in God and how God sees them.

He would always tell me how God sees me and he would live it out until I started believing it. Love was the hardest thing to accept, yet he was always patient with me. That’s what helped me open up more and more.

That’s how God is with us.

His love is patient… it never ceases and never gives up. 

 

 

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Best Friends since 2010. Love of my life since then.        Alfredo Hernandez Jr. April 16, 1979-August 31, 2018          I love you babe. See you later! 

God looked around his garden
And found and empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth,
and he saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He knew that you were suffering,
He knew that you would never get
well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb.
So He closed your weary eyelids,
and whispered “Peace be thine.”
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

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He is rejoicing with God, now. He is healed and free from sickness. He is finally worshipping God with so much freedom. That makes me happy. I know as days go by I will be stronger and ready to face new adventures, together with God.-Stephanie

My Brokenness

It’s been days. Days of faith shaken. Days of trust tested. Days of complete brokenness, but a beautiful experience it’s been. The God of love, the God of mercy; extending His mighty hand, He has been. “Oh, my soul sing praises to Him. In the midst of this storm, I have found rest. Oh, my soul sing praise to Him for I have seen His mighty hand at work.”

It’s Been Days

I don’t know where to begin. After days of being silent, I have finally have the strength to write. The days have been rough, but nonetheless we have been seeing God move.

This week has been a week of brokenness, but the kind that brings forth healing & strength. It’s the kind that has shown me my wrongs and Him doing everything it takes to make them right.

Though I don’t feel led to share exactly what’s happening, at the moment, I can say this: I have never been hit this hard before. My world has been shaken, my faith has been tested and my trust in God’s truth has been tested.

This week I have learned to stand up as a daughter of God and not surrender to the pressures of the evil one. I have learned to acknowledge that though I may be alone, with God we are the majority.

I have had to face the enemy and the lies he threw in my face. I have been given the courage to stare right back at him and tell him I was not backing down! It’s amazing. After that I have been seeing God’s faithfulness and strength.-Stephanie 

Learning To Be Alone

I never knew how dependent I was on people until my “crutch,” was temporarily taken away. Anxiety began to hit me hard and I felt as though walls were caving in. Never have I experienced something like that. I felt desperate, I felt helpless.

God is such a loving God. He doesn’t back down, He does what it takes to set you free. God is also that person to push you into a confession. I experienced that. I was crying. The pressure of the storm was pushing me. I broke down and had enough.

A panick attack was occurring all I could do was yell out, “I don’t know how to be alone!” It was then I felt God say, “Ahh that’s it.” That confession allowed me to see why I had been feeling the way I was. It showed me how dependent I was on people rather than Him.

Putting Him First

The experience this week, has been showing me how I have neglected to keep Him first in my life. I spent so much time depending on people for comfort, joy and assurance. I have been wrong.

God is a God of stability. God is constant. Wonder why you’re life isn’t stable? That’s it; He isn’t your number one. What God gives, He doesn’t take away. He lifts you up without the intention of letting you fall. 

What The World Didn’t Give, It Can’t Take Away

When I talk about the world, I am referring to the people. People are ever changing; opinions, thoughts, feelings; emotions. No wonder depending on someone like that only leaves us the same. Imagine this, we are placing our happiness or the need for fulfillment in the hands of people; we are lifted when they feel good and then tossed down when they aren’t.

That’s not how God intended us to live. He left a void in our heart only He can fill. We were meant to lean on Him for strength, worth, joy, peace and so much more.

Though I knew that, I wasn’t applying it. It’s taken this storm to help me acknowledge it and this brokenness has helped me see my utmost need for Him to be primary in my life.

God Can, God Will

Make every move and allow anything possible for you to start putting him first. Often times it’s a hard pill to swallow. In those moments you understand that you don’t have a choice. Well, you do, but suffering without the thought of hope isn’t really an option. The sad thing is, a lot of people rather do that than trust God.

I don’t want that to be me anymore. All I can say is, God is good. The revelation I have received and all the things He has set me free from has been enough to shift my focus back on Him

Life is better that way.

 

The Fight

I look at myself, I don’t recognize the  person I’m seeing.  My heart I have closed  off,  I’ve isolated myself from you.  How is it that I’ve grown cold,  distracted by my own wants,  my own needs?  Falling apart are things around  me, all I can do is sit and watch it unfold.  I’m  tired,  it feels like I have no more fight left within me.  Time after time, wasting my breath trying to make things clear; what I feel,  what I need… only to fade away, getting me nowhere. I’ve cried,  deep down that’s all I want to do,  but nothing comes out.  Numb,  I feel numb.  Paralyzed by hurt,  by the pain,  by the disappointment.  I’ve rebuilt the wall, the one I fought so hard to tear down.
How did I get here? How did I get so far off track that I didn’t notice?

I’ve just stopped caring…

Written by : Stephanie Ann Pequeno