I have been so angry. A type of anger that has locked me inside of doubt, insecurity and kept me thinking that I am alone. Today I let myself fall to the ground; I was tired. You know how hard I have been fighting to keep my head afloat. I have picked myself up many times before, but I could not do it again. My only Hope is in You; I need you all over again.
I Don’t Know Who I Am
Just a few years ago I was a wife, devoted to serving in God’s how with my husband, then out of nowhere I became a widow. I was lost, I was confused and the one thing I thought I needed was to run away and start again.
It’s funny because life has a way of reminding us that our own plans always fail.
I have taken so many wrong turns. I have been dealing with consequences of my actions, lately. I have fallen, but the only thing keeping me above the surface, is Him; my trust in Him… the relationship I still managed to keep.
Today I was reflecting on my life and how many things I have gone through in just a short time.
I feel robbed of grieving time. I have moments where I wish I could just cry and be alone when I need to be. I happen to catch myself feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed. I grew tired of the pain and memories, that I locked them away.
After my husband died, I realized a part of me died. I didn’t know this, until God began revealing to me something. For a long time I kept thinking about and seeing visions of the hospital where my husband passed away at. I have been thinking of the very small and lonely waiting room that I would pray and wait for good news. I have been thinking of how I felt when I was there. I remember just the pain, the fear and the loneliness of it all…
“The moment Freddy passed away, is the moment you lost a part of yourself.”
A part of me died that day and I have not gotten it back. I cried so much today. God revealed to me a lot of anger and pain I had against Him. He showed me something so deep, something I never really thought about, but just happened.
After my husband died I became angry at God. A root took place in my mind that contaminated my heart. I began believing that God would never do anything good for me. After all, He didn’t answer my prayer regarding my husband…
A Broken Mother
In less than two years, I have gone through two miscarriages.
I recently asked myself… why has God allowed me to go through so much loss?
After many years of dwelling on this, it only began to bug me this last weekend. For the past thirteen years I have been the only one in my family without kids. I never thought twice about it. I would always just say, “Not yet.”
To this day I continue to respond the same, but it is no longer true. I do have kids. In Heaven. My last miscarriage hurt so much more than the first. (I was seven weeks and saw my baby in an ultrasound.)
What hurt the most was… the same day as my first ultra-sound I started going through the miscarriage. I lost my baby that same night.
I remember laying in bed in so much pain and crying out to God, asking Him to save my baby and allow me to hold my baby… after praying that I placed my hands on my stomach and felt the last contraction… my baby had come out.
At the time I didn’t realize what I was holding in a piece of toilet paper was not just blood clots, but my precious baby. Through a picture I had taken, I got to see how their body was beginning to form; their hands, feet, legs…
how I wish I was about to meet my baby.
I Feel Like Job
Though not as drastic as his life, I have endured a lot of loss. My life has gone off track a bit, but in my heart has been the desire to realign with His will for my life. One thing is, writing a lot more. He has already sent people to confirm that I need to get back on it.
I have so much to share, I am just not sure in what order. What I wrote today was what has been in my heart so much and the very thing that God is needing to confront. I cannot keep avoiding these painful memories and expect healing and freedom.
I am a mother, though I do not have my children near.
I am a mother, though my pregnancies were cut short.
I am a mother, for I carried life in my womb.
I am a mother, though I do not feel it.
Whoever I now am, I am still trying to figure out. Whoever it is; a widow, a mother…or just a daughter, I know I will be stronger because I have experienced them all. I know that He will take what was meant to hurt me and turn into something amazing. Whoever I am becoming, I know the journey will be worth it.
I trust Him.