I look at myself, “who is this I now see?” Tears fall from my eyes and I can’t help but weep. I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten Whos I am… I have felt drained. There have been days when all I could do was cry out for You to carry me. My legs below me, weak as they could be. I am tired…
Pictures say more than words can say; “A thousand words,” to be exact.
I have this habit of looking through old photos on my phone. Every time I do I see something different in myself. There is sadness some days and the next there is a completely different person.
Lately I have not felt confident, nor like myself. My body has endured something traumatic all over again (I will share when it’s time) and today I couldn’t help but cry. I realized I was becoming so impatient with myself. I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO GO BACK TO HOW THEY WERE!, I felt like yelling out.
I don’t feel attractive.
I feel bloated.
I am just so emotional.
I feel so angry.
I read those words above and I know it’s no longer me… I was in a place in my life when things were good. I was happy. I was secure in my own skin, but now, I just want to curl up and isolate. (It all ties in with what has happened…)
A person can look so happy and all put together on the outside, but deep down they are crying out for help because all they feel is inadequate and so unworthy…
…this was me.
I had lost sight of who I am in Him.
I Worry TOO Much
When did this happen? When I took my eyes off of God and placed them on my circumstance, I made myself my own keeper, thinking I knew what was best for my own life. Things have happened and I can clearly see how WRONG I was.
I have stretched myself thin. I have taken on so many other responsibilities and roles that I was clearly not meant to. I worry that I won’t have the courage to do what needs to be done. I worry that I am losing my fire. I worry that my passion for writing becomes stagnant. Worst of all, I worry that my passion for Him becomes lost.
What I Deserve
It’s so hard to feel deserving of all good things after you’ve have done so many bad things. It’s hard to believe that the Father continues to see you as valuable and so worthy of His love when you have slowly wandered away from Him.
What I feel is not what is true.
The more I mess up and more mistakes I make, I always find myself coming back to Him needing assurance that He still loves me. I am thankful that His love is unconditional. To know that someone will never stop loving me regardless of how I am or what I do, brings so much comfort and lets me know I will never be alone.
That says you are unlovable…
When we make so many mistakes and let people we care about down, we sometimes get it in our heads that we are no longer worthy of forgiveness or love. Though people may make us feel like this, God never will. That has always been His promise to everyone; to me.
“I may be weak, but Your spirit’s strong in me. My flesh may fail, but my God You never will.”- Psalm 73.26
I have struggled so much with this that it has kept me from services and people who care about me. It has caused me to want to isolate myself and just hide with shame and fear. Things this time have been so much harder that I had to really remind myself who God is and who He is not.
The Father loves me. The Father wants me. The Father sees me. The Father is faithful. The Father is merciful. The Father is always there.
Little by little I am picking myself up. I am being strengthened each day to push forward and work towards being where I need to be. I am reconnecting with Him and my loved ones. I have been through a lot to know that I cannot do it alone. I don’t even want to try…
I know this journey will be a struggle, but nothing is impossible.
I want to be able to look at myself and feel this joy all over again. I want to be able to see who God sees and not who I feel.
I will overcome. ❤