I cannot hold what I feel inside. Days have past and all I feel inside is a sadness. Tears, delaying they are to come forth. There is a whirlwind of emotions surrounding, each of them follow the struggles around me. There is a battle, but what it has not, is caused me to surrender in defeat. I am your daughter; a warrior I am. I have pushed through the current. I have clung to You through it all. I cast my cares on You, because You have always cared for me. This I know to be true. I need You. I have the hope that even better days are ahead of me. This storm is only temporary, for the sun shinning, is still to come. I know it’s true; I have seen many. You alone are the rest for my weary soul.
I know I am not the only one going through some kind of struggle. The past few weeks have been so hard! It has felt like a fog of emotions, tiredness and the wanting to just escape to my “hiding place.” That place where I would shrink back to when things would get hard. I would isolate myself and just hide whatever it was that I was feeling at the time. It was my way of not allowing anybody in or allow them to see what I felt.
I can’t this time and I am able to see a growth, a maturity that was not there before. I am proud of myself for it.
So many things have been happening and things I have been dealing with have been so overwhelming. In the midst of the pressure and oppression I have been seeking more of God. I have been running to Him rather than to that place of escape, the place of isolation…that place where I just want to give up. It has made me stronger and taught me how to truly cast my cares; worries, struggles (things I have absolutely no control over) on Him.
This has truly allowed to see a different side of myself. It has shown me that I no longer bottle up offenses or take up burdens that are not meant for me to carry. Other people’s problems no longer become my own and I no longer have that need to try to fix them either. It’s definitely a liberating feeling.
the ability to do something that frightens one.
strength in the face of pain or grief.
There is something about this definitoin that brings a sense of strength when I read it. It tells me that no matter how we feel, it doesn’t have to keep us from rising up from the pit or from pushing through the oppression we face.
…Strength in the face of pain or grief
I believe that I am going through the final stages of the grieving process. I did something today that I have been avoiding since the beginning of August. Today I was reminded of it, again. I was reminded during today’s preaching. It was about how we tend to close certain areas of our heart from God (Holy Spirit) because it’s hard to relive those things or let them go. Thoughts came to my mind of what I needed to do and immediately I tried to shut them away, like I have been. I knew better. I knew that God wanted me to confront this in order to begin the rest of my healing and restoration process in my life so I can finally move on.
I got home…
I stood at my closet with an empty bag and a shirt in my hand and I began to cry out to God. I told Him, “I need You hear with me!” I was having a hard time. It was like, “if you want me to do this then I need You here with me. I am not going to do this alone.” Then I placed the folded shirt in the bag and began pulling the rest of my husbands clothes off the hangers.
It’s time for me to let go.
During that whole time I felt peace. I needed the courage to finally do it even though thoughts would bring that fear and sense of loneliness in. God, my father showed up in that moment because I had the courage to finally get up and do what He knew would be hard for me. He reminded me that in the midst of the hardest, toughest and scariest moments, He will always be there. We don’t have go through or do things alone.
That’s all I have been doing lately. Things that I always desired to do, He has opened doors for me to do. It has been scary and there have been times where I wanted to just hide and avoid people seeing me, but I can’t. God has finally taken me out of the “cave” and is now placing me in a place where I cannot avoid those things that used to bring fear.
I am being courageous in the midst of the grief. I am being courageous though I feel fear. I am being courageous even though I still feel alone. I am being courageous because I know Who goes before me and Who has always been by my side.
No More “Relationships” –I am waiting for the “ONE.”
It’s a promise I made to God. It’s also the reason why I still wear my engagement ring. It’s now become a promise ring. It’s promise to God and myself that I will no longer be in random relationships. It’s a promise of purity during this season of singleness.
I truly believe that God has another man for me. So the steps I am taking now, I believe are necessary. I have been asking God to prepare me and do what needs to be done in my life, so that I can be ready for him (my future husband.) I want to be healed and fully restored so that when the time comes for a new relationship from Him, I will have nothing from the past to carry into my relationship/marriage.
It will be a fresh start. It will be one truly founded on Him. It will truly be a blessing.
God has been doing so many things in me, my body, that have been so exciting and all in preparation for what’s to come.
I am excited.
The promise I cling to.
As I was standing there, placing in the bag one piece of clothing at a time, I sensed God standing there with me. It was an encounter I truly needed, with my Father.