I know I have been MIA for awhile. Life has just been happening and I have been, or still am in a season of just being… silent. It’s been so hard to just sit back and allow what needs to be done. If you are like me and like to share every. single. thing, then you know how hard it’s been. I have really been trying to be intention with spending time alone with God and just being led by Him.
He has really been speaking into my life and ministering a bunch of healing into my heart. I have been dealing, still with my husband’s passing and having to confront so many different memories I realized I pushed away because of them being so hard to think about.
One thing for sure is, He has really been speaking to me about what it is to start AGAIN.
When life hits you hard and you find yourself trying to get back to “normal,” and you realize nothing will ever be the same again, begin again.
🌸For me that phrase is starting over, starting fresh. I have spent so much time trying to get back to my own “normal,” and struggled to realize that it is gone. Nothing is or will ever be the same and because of that, I am no longer the same. I am ok with that.
🌸The heartbreak, the pain has made me realize that I am stronger. The wrong choices that led to abandonment and rejection have only made me wiser.
Begin again, where you are. Sometimes it can be scary, but remember you are not alone. –Stephanie Ann
For me being “silent,” isn’t as easy as I thought.
Being silent has meant not posting things on social media just to show people what I was up to, making a point or trying to prove something to everyone. When I was told to cut back on doing that, I realized how much of it I was actually doing.
We live in a time when everything is posted online for others to see.
I felt it was meant in a different way for me. It was a way to keep myself from losing credibility about my walk with God and who I really am.
Sometimes we can post something that causes us to lose sight of who we are or cause others to change the way they see us. It really does take just one post.
I posted on Facebook every single bad thing I was feeling, but then I would post stuff about how good God is… I knew something needed change.
Not only has this season of being silent helped me see where I have been wrong, it has also taught me to just listen. It’s helped me stay still long enough to hear from God and allow Him to bring to the surface areas of my life that I had just smashed down, never to be seen or thought of again.
It was time for them to rise to the surface because God wanted to set me free and heal that area of my life.
Staring Death in The Face
A week ago my emotions were all over the place. I felt angry. I felt sad. I just felt emotional. I had no idea why. Things from my husband’s passing would pop into my head at random times and I would become teary eyed and just push them donw, again. I just didn’t want to confront them.
I was really missing him.
One night, as I was laying in bed, I kept tossing and turing. I just couldn’t sleep. Out of no where fashbacks from the hopsital where my husband passed away came to mind. All of a sudden I got a flashback of the day my husband died. I quickly sat up and began to cry. It was a cry that came from the pit of my stomach; a cry filled with so much pain. I told God, “no!” I didn’t want to relive that moment.
All I heard was, “what do you see?” He was asking me to say out loud the memory that was tormenting me. I told him, “I see his dead body laying there, him so lifeless.” It was the memory of when I walked into the room only to see him like that.
I couldn’t help but break down and let out many silent screams. Something was being broken and I was being set free. I felt so much peace when it was done and I heard these gentle words; “It was necessary for healing.” He then went on to remind me of how far I have come since my husband passed away.
God knew that I was still struggling with the breakup of this last relationship I was in. He told me, “If you were able to get through that (my husband’s passing) then can get through anything.” In other words, if I have been able get through the most difficult thing in my life, then there is nothing that I cannot overcome.
The same goes for you. If you have been through something so traumatic, so painful and have been able to get through, then there is nothing that you cannot overcome. He is your strength in times of trouble.
‘God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.’
Nothing Is Normal
Going back to the part above, talking about beginning again.
This whole time, after my husband’s passing I wasted time trying to get back to “normal” and wanting things to back to normal. I struggled to get into the flow of this new life before me ,because I was trying to hold on to the past; the good things.
In this season, I have been learning that it’s really ok to move on. It’s ok to starting living this new life I have been given. Day by day I am learning how to begin again and enjoy it. Whatever that may look like for you, whether you’re a widow, orphan, whatever circumstance you’re in, YOU CAN BEGIN AGAIN.
The hardest past about all of this; widowhood, miscarriage… is seeing it as a blessing and a fresh start. How??? By truly believing that God is a good God and that He has a plan for every single thing we go through, it’s also truly believing that it’s all been His will.
That is what has gotten me through all of this.
Every time I felt God to be unjust in all that He has allowed to happen in my life, this verse was always brought before me in so many different ways.
‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ‘
Close friends/family would send it to me because it was on their heart, or I would hear it somewhere or I would be shopping and see it on a notebook. It was God whispering it into my heart, to remind me that His plans for me were NOT to harm me, but to prosper me. It was His way of reminding me that if I had gotten everything I wanted or believed for, it wouldn’t have been such a blessing.
We ask for what we think we need, but in God not granting that request it is Him protecting us and saving us for something so much better.
Yes, my husband is gone, but I still believe God has someone greater for me.
Yes, my baby is now in heaven, but I believe that God will bless me and future husband with a beautiful family.
Everything has it’s timing.
You want to know the honest truth and the reason I have been able to move forward and no longer feel guilty?
God told me: my husband was only meant to be in my life for a season. He was used to help me grow in the things of God, bring healing and restoration to my life. My husband’s purpose on earth had also been done and it was time to go home for a greater purpose.
When that revelation came into my heart, it set me free. It helped me understand that it is ok to keep living my life.
It’s ok to keep living yours as well. ❤
The love my husband and I had for each other, will never fade from my heart. He will always have his place in my life. Nothing or no one will be able to take that away. I know I will just learn how to put that aside, the day God brings the right one into my life.
In the mean time I am still learning how to “drive” this new life, this new me. I am happy with it just being me and Him.
I am in a very good place, emotionally.